Just thinking out loud

Health update June 3rd

2008-06-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone!

Good news! I just got the CT scan back of my chest and abdomen and everything is still clear. That means no chemo for the summer! Hurray! I am down from 8mg of steroids to 3mg. I think I may have reached my limit but we will see. I am still VERY puffy looking but I am feeling better.

I don't plan to blog much this summer. I feel like the Lord has blessed me with some time where I might be feeling decent and I want to just enjoy my family. I love you all and I will let you know if anything comes up.

Staci

Health Update

2008-05-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone!

I just got back from seeing the radiologist. She says that the tumor is still there but is less vascular. Since it hasn't grown or there is nothing new showing up we are going to just wait and take another look in about 3 months.

I am continuing to get stronger as I get off of the steroids and do my physical therapy. Otherwise there is really nothing new to report. I give God all of the glory. Keep me in your prayers.

Love ya'll,
Staci

Brain Scan

2008-05-10T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone,

I had my brain scan done yesterday. I haven't seen the doctor yet and I won't until the 19th, but I thought the tumor looked a little better. It is still there but it may be a little smaller and more transparent looking. I was just glad to see that it doesn't look like anything new popped up.

Right now I am trying to get off of the steroids. I feel like I am in drug rehab. I get to decrease 1mg every 5 days so it is taking me 40 days to hopefully get all of the way off. I only hope I will be able to do so. I have had some good days and some equally bad days but I guess that is to be expected. Usually by evening I am totally exhausted. Just keep me in your prayers.

I will update you again on the 19th to let you know how I am doing with the steroids and what the doctor has said about the scan.

Love ya'll!
Staci

It's Been One Year and I'm Still Here

2008-05-03T08:43:00.001-07:00

Anyone who lives in Oklahoma knows that May 3rd, 1999 is the day an F5 tornado tore through the Oklahoma City metropotlitan area. May 3rd, 2007 is the day I got the news that I had stage 4 breast cancer. This year has been filled with so many challenges. 7 weeks of radiation complete with 2 painful shots in the stomach daily that made me violently ill. 8 months of hair flying, bone exhausting chemotherapy. 9 days of having nose plugs the size of shoe horns crammed up my nose to stop excessive bleeding. 1 week of false remission. A brain tumor. A gamma knife procedure that still hasn't brought any relief. And steroids that have puffed my body out of recogniton and made me crazy. Whew! Talk about tornado!!!

But in the midst of my body totally falling apart my soul and spirit have experienced healing that never could have been achieved otherwise. My relationship with the Lord has been strong for years, but this is the first time I can say that He truly IS my everything. This is the first time that I can honestly say that I pray without ceasing. That He is constantly in my mind and in my heart. The other day I came across the parable about how a man looked for a treausre in a field and when he found it he sold everything he had to buy that field. I get that now, because even with all of the suffering I would sell it all to get what I now have with Him.

Don't get me wrong, I still want and pray for healing, but even the motivation behind that has changed. Before I was trying to convince God that I needed to be there for my children. Recently I have found that my prayers are so I could use this wisdom to help others and I truly mean it!!! Seeing my kids grow just seem like a bonus and not a priority. I hope that doesn't sound cruel, of course I adore them, but I am just trying to point out what has happened in my heart. In the end though I have told God that I don't know what He is doing and if His plan means the death of me so be it, I trust whatever He plans, because I have experienced His life changing love. Please believe me when I say He loves you, too. He is concerned with your EVERY need. Spend time with Him, get to know Him. I know a lot about Elvis but I don't know Elvis and Elvis never knew me. Please do not let your relationship with Christ be like that. He wants to talk to you, to know the real you. And the only way you are going to get to know that real Him is to spend time in prayer and in His word. I'm not trying to be preachy, i just know what I am talking about and I so desperatley want that for everyone!

God Bless!!

Who Is She?

2008-04-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

Who is she?
That woman in the mirror
With the puffy face and the short whispy red hair.
I don't recognize her.
Who is she?
This woman with her swollen belly and her limp.
She used to sing
She had a strong voice, she was known for it
It was part of who she was.
She can no longer sing
Her voice weak and barely audible.
Who is she?
The other day while she was shopping she noticed a disabled woman
and a wave of pity swept over her.
And then she realized,
She IS that woman,
And she wondered how more disabled she may become as the months tumble by.
But she knows she never wants anyone to pity her!
NEVER!!!!
Because just as she is unrecgonizable on the outside
She is also unrecognizable on the inside.
She is now a fearless warrior!!
She is happy and at peace!
She only wishes she had the energy to show it.

Embracing Letting Go

2008-04-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

I've turned a corner in my thinking. Yesterday was the 6 week mark of the gamma knife surgery and it has become painfully obvious to me that it didn't work. I think the tumor tunrned into scar tissue. They told me that there was that possibility. I don't think it is a tumor anymore but still there is a foreign object in my brain that causes me to be miserable. I know that 2 out of my 3 doctors told me that if it did turn to scar tissue they would have to manually remove it. REAL brain surgery. The radialogist hasn't said that yet, so maybe she still has something up her sleeve. Either way I have always known that doctors were never going to be able to cure me. I mean come on, I am stage 4 with a grade 3 tumor, the most aggressive level. I always knew that all they could do was buy me time. When it got to my brain I thought well, everytime a tumor pops up we will just zap that puppy and buy me some time in between. But it has become obvious to me that that isn't even going to occur anymore and they are not going to pop my head open everytime another one shows up. If I receive any remission at all or any miraculous healing it is ALL God.

As you can imagine this realization has had quite an impact on my mind. One night last week as the thoughts raced through my still sterioded out mind, I began to get some chest pain. No matter what I did the pain remained. I became more and more angry at God for allowing me to suffer so. Then the most bizarre thing happened. I ended up putting on my favorite worship CD (on headphones because it was 1:00 in the morning) and I began to cuss God out. I was bawling, begging, pleading and quite frankly calling God every obsenity in the book. I've had heart wrenching prayers before, but this was the rawest I had ever been before him. Just as the Bible describes Jacob wrestling with God, He and I were going to have it out and believe me I let Him have it. The names I called Him, the things I said to the Creator of the Universe were absolutley apalling and all the while I have this beautiful worship CD singing his praises in my ear. When I finally collapsed in total exhaustion I fully expected remorse and the Spirit to tell me that it was time to confess and ask for forgiveness for my horrible behavior, but do you know what happened? I felt a complete wave of love sweep over me. A love so powerful I cannot describe it in words. I knew then that my behavior was one of those stripes on his back, one of the really deep ones that he took before going to the cross and that He took that stripe joyfully! Joyfully! I didn't deserve this all consuming love that He was pouring out on me and yet there was absolutley no judgment what so ever for what I had just done!! I began praising Him and thanking Him for letiing me behave so horribly with out any judgement. He is amazing!!

Recently I learned a little histoy about Cortes. After sailing across the ocean and reaching their destination the men were tired and wanted to go home. Cortes burned all of there ships so they would have no choice but to be committed to the cause. I have felt this same way from God, like He has burned all of my ships and that I what other choice do I have, but do you know what? Now that I have experienced His overpowering love and forgiveness I want to stay on this island. On my other island there was fear- there is no longer any fear only his overpowering presence. Don't get me wrong, there is still some dread, but I like to think of it as a woman in labor. Labor is hard, painful and there is a lot of suffering, but when it is over you are so flooded with love you don't remember. I think death is probably the same way. It is hard, painful, and there is a lot so suffering, but when all is said and done the love is so complete and overwhelming you won't even remember. I'm still praying for my miracle. Maybe I will get it, maybe I won't. But with a love like this, how could His answer to my prayers be wrong? Praise His holy name!!!

A Little Blog Break

2008-03-27T07:14:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys!

I think I am going to take a little break from blogging for a little while. I am still on all of these steroids and they are making me crazy. I feel like I am on speed and my brain is so unfocused right now. I did start some physical therapy yesterday and felt very empowered. I actually feel like I'm doing something to try to heal instead of just kinda waiting around to see what happens. I will give you health updates from time to time but until I can get off of all of this medication I think blogging would just be difficult. I love you all and I thank you for your continued concern and prayers!

Health Update March 24th

2008-03-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone,

I've been kinda waiting to blog until I saw the doctors. The day after I got back from Hawaii I had a brain scan. I knew nothing would be different because I don't feel any better, but still actually seeing it on the films concerned me. I thought it should be shrinking SOME by now. But, I saw both the readiololgist and the neurologist today and they both thought as of yet everything was looking fine. The tumor itself isn't smaller but it does look fuzzier so maybe it is doing something. We are going to wait two more months and do another brain scan. In the meantime, I get a handicapped sticker for my car and I will begin some physical therapy since I am still having such difficulty with my right arm and leg. I think the worse thing is that I have to continue using the steroids. They are making me so puffy and SO cranky. Please pray that my family can put up with me or better yet let's just pray that the crankiness goes away. Thank you for all of your prayers!

Hawaii

2008-03-19T07:55:00.001-07:00

Hey Everyone!
We made it back from Hawaii in one piece and it was a trip of a lifetime! Anyone who knows us, knows just how much we hate to fly, but the flights were excellent. They were smooth, on time and with no lost luggage. It was an all day flight and when we got there we were exhausted but happy. The ship was beautiful and we loved our room with the balcony. So on day 1 in Honolulu everything went well.
Day 2- everything ...went...bad. I guess because of all of the steroids I am on and because I was on the plane for so long, fluid collected on my knees. I was in EXTREME pain. I mean on the 1-10 scale I would say it was an 8. At one point I sent the girls out on the balcony because I just couldn't stand for them to watch me cry anymore. I thought the trip was ruined. As soon as we could, we got on the free shopping shuttle to of all places, Wal Mart. That's right, we went all the way to Hilo, Hawaii to go to Wal Mart and load up on motrin. We spent the afternoon with the kids swimming at the ship while I popped motrin with Mai Tai's. Go ahead, judge me if you want, you'd done the same if you were in that much pain. I kept my knees up the rest of the trip, even at night and didn't have any more problems. Thank you, Jesus. I felt okay enough that night that we went out to eat and saw the onboard entertainment.
Day 3 and 4- Maui. We woke up that morning to whales outside our balcony. What a sight! This is the time of year that they are traveling through so it was a special treat. We ended up spending our days is Maui at the beach. We wanted to take it easy since we didn't know how I would feel. The beach we went to was very posh. A private beach that the Travel Channel named the best beach in the world for 2006. It was lovely and the sand was like baby powder. We saw some more whales off shore jumping out of the water. Wow!! Again, every night we had a great dinner on board and saw the cruise line entertainment before collapsing into bed.
Day 5- Kona. This is a wonderful port. Very touristy. We shopped til we dropped. Kona is known for their very rich and expensive coffee.
Day 6- Kaua'i. Known as the garden island I wanted to be sure to see some of the lushness. We took a trip up the Wailua River to Fern Grotto. It was a beautiful sight to see. It was filled with tropical plants and waterfalls. By that afternoon it started to become obvious that maybe I was pushing it too hard. I ended up falling twice. Once down a flight of stairs. Thank goodness I didn't get hurt and only my family saw it happen. The second time was in front of a whole tour bus of people who rang out together in a collective gasp. As I lay there on the floor of the bus I realized I was even too weak to get up. Rob and a couple of tourists literally had to pick me up. I quickly brushed off my backside and my pride and took my seat. I mean what else are ya gonna do? Anyway, we were headed for and old Hawaiian plantation were we saw an authentic Hawaiian Lu'au. We had a blast! All of the food and music were good and I loved the fire dancers the best.
Day 7- We had another day in Kaua'i and in light of my exhaustion we decided to do another beach day so I could relax. Again the beach was beautiful and secluded. We got the treat of seeing a sea turtle come to shore. She was huge! Rob also got a little snorkling in and saw some cool fish. That afternoon I rested in the cabin while the kids swam on deck.
Last day- Pearl Harbor. They do a wondeful presentation at Pearl Harbor. I am so glad that my kids got to see and learn this bit of history. We also got to take a city tour of Honolulu before being taken to the airport.

I would just like to thank again the anonymous people form St. Elizabeth's who took up this collection so we could actually do this trip. I had been saving for a trip just like this but medical bills quickly swept that away. I can't tell you what it means to me that I am leaving a positve memory of me and this trip with my kids and Rob. Words cannot express how grateful I am. May God bless you all!!

Barry Bonds and I

2008-03-05T12:18:00.000-08:00

Barry Bonds and I have a lot in common these days. We both use steroids. He, to improve his baseball performance. Me, to shrink my ever swelling brain. I have found in the process some strking similarities between Barry Bonds and I. For example: Barry is crankie with the media. I am crankie with my family. Barry has big, fat, puffy muscles. I have a big, fat, puffy face. Barry works up a sweat fighting the opposing team. I work up the nightsweats fighting off insomnia. Yep, Barry Bonds and I -we're practically twins! How does he do it year after year? Only weeks in for me and I'm going crazy I fear!

Postscript

2008-03-03T07:24:00.000-08:00

After writing my letter to Paul I felt the need to express just exactly who I am angry with. I am not angry at God. I do not blame the Almighty Father, but rather the Father of Lies. God is not the author of cancer. Cancer and other diseases are a result of living in a fallen world. Yes, He is Sovereign and has allowed this into my life, but I know to the core of my being that He is good. While I don't always understand I will choose to walk by faith and not by sight. I know He uses ALL things to work according to His good purpose and that He is making me more like His Son through this painful process. Thanks for listening.

Paul

2008-03-02T09:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Paul,

I pulled out our 3rd grade class picture the other day. You know the kind where we are all on the risers in our bad haircuts and our 1970's clothing. You were there with your classic crooked grin, and I? Well, I looked a little like my youngest. We weren't friends then... cooties and all. But over time you became my dear friend.

I don't remember ever being told that you had Muscular Dystrophy, a disease that would slowly rot away your muscles and take you at an early age. Maybe I figured it out from your slightly slurred speech or your awkward gait; a gait I seem to be emulating more and more these days. I admired you for your willingness to do anything. I would watch you out on the marching field; your skinny legs barely able to carry the snare drums attached to your chest. Or how about the time you defied the doctors and went skiing? Of course maybe that was a bad idea seeing as how you ended up in traction. Still, I admired you for not stopping for anything.

But, Paul, I have a confession...I also judged you. There were times that you were angry that you had to deal with your disease, that you would never be normal. I didn't want to hear that, I wanted you to have a positive outlook all the time. I get you now. Sometimes I am angry that my life is not normal and thrown into turmoil. You were angry that you never had kids, and while the Lord has blessed me with my girls I want more. I want weddings. I want grandbabies. In fact, it is my ONLY dream now. And I am angry. You died at the age of 28 and while I so far have 12years on you I know that I am too young to be dealing with the issues and emotions that I am. And I am angry.

I'm sorry, Paul. Please forgive me. I didn't know...I didn't know.

One Week, Still Weak

2008-02-28T09:12:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone,

I'm so glad so many of you have signed up for the direct e-mail updates from the blog! If you didn't get the link it is at http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogger/jUid . If you want to check the blog the old way you can do that too! Whatever works best for you!

A lot of you have asked how I am feeling a week after the procedure. To be honest I feel worse. I was told that may happen due to swelling. I am now dragging my right leg around and I have had to put a knee brace on it because it has a tendency to buckle under me at times. Hopefully, I will see some results anywhere from 1-6 weeks. It just depends on how my tumor responds to the radiation. I'm pretty optimistic. When they radiated the tumor in my chest I could tell a big difference in just a few weeks.

Right now I am not allowed to drive due to the slight possibilty of seizures. I thought I would dread the time, but I am finding it enjoyable. I have shut off the T.V. and just spent a lot of quiet time with God. I'm also using this to write some letters to Rob and the girls. It has been emotional, but I guess I like the fact that I will get to meddle some with them even after I am gone. Maybe I shouldn't talk like that. I know it makes people uncomfortable, but hey, we are all headed down that path one day or another.

Love ya'll!

The Moon

2008-02-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

God is the sun and I am the moon.
Just as the sun creates the light,
God is the light
The moon just reflects the light.
When I first believed I was a new moon... now I'm a crescent
My goal is to become a full moon
Fully reflecting the light of the Son.
The fuller I become the greater pull I have on the tides of the lives around me.
My job is not to sunburn,
That's the sun's job.
My job is to reflect the light
When surrounded by darkness.

Alien

2008-02-23T07:58:00.000-08:00

Well, it is the day after the surgery and things couldn't have gone better! Thank you so much for your prayers, I know they made all of the difference! Hy head is a little sore because they screwed a halo through my skin and directly onto my skull. Right now I have a big Frankenstein bandage on my head, but even that should get to come off later today. The one slightly disappointing thing is I was under the impression that the gamma knife obliterated the tumor so I was expecting some instant relief from the symptoms, however, the tumor is still there and will slowly shrink over time. So I guess I'm not allowed to drive for quite a while. Bummer! I wish it could have happened the way Rob's cousin said in an e-mail he sent. He said, "Wouldn't it be great if the tumor was like one of those aliens that inhabit people's bodies in the movies and then something happens and they come out screaming and squealing? I bet it would be great to see the m-f-er so that! Come squealing out your ears and explode in the operating room!" I would have loved to see that happen! But I imagine my tumor is a little more like the alien in the movie Space Balls. After the bloodbath, the gnashing of teeth, the screaming and wailing- there is a little song and dance complete with a top hat and a cane. "Hello, my baby; hello, my honey; hello my ragtime gal....give me a kiss by wire...baby my hearts on fire..."

Ok- Sigourney! No more sequels!

Remission Revoked

2008-02-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

I see that my last blog was on Jan. 31st and that I was going to take some time off to be normal. Yeah, that plan went well. As most of you know I am no longer in remission...or rather I never really was in remission. We just thought that MF had left ,but actually he changed locations... he has moved to my brain. Deep in the left side of my brain to be exact. Many of you are asking how I could get a clean PET scan only to have a tumor show up in my brain. The first symptom that made me think that something was wrong was a pain in my right shoulder, that's all... just a dull ache in the shoulder; not something you usually associate with a brain tumor. So we moved my PET scan up early which took pictures from my eyebrows to me kneecaps. I guess I should have drawn my eyebrows on a little higher that day! Anyway, as time went on the symptoms became more sinister. I started to notice numbness in the right side of my face and increasing weakness in my right arm, so we did the MRI brain scan. We are hopefully going to find out over the next couple of days a plan of attack. In the meantime I have been working on some positives that can come out of this. For example, the next time I say or do something stupid I can conjure up my best Swarzeneggar impression and say,"I've got a tumor!" Or the next time some woman that I have never seen in my life that seems to know my name, my children's names, my social security number and what I had for breakfast 3 days ago begins talking to me, I can look her dead in the eye and say, "You know I have a brain tumor. What's your name again?" Or how about the next time I hit a speed bump at an ungodly speed and cause $500 damage to the car, I can sweetly croon "Tuuuummoooor!" You know I don't feel like making dinner tonight. Maybe I will stand in the kitchen with a my mouth hanging open and a glazed look in my eye. Maybe Rob will take pity on me and order take-out! Oh, the possibilities!

Father Nose Best

2008-01-31T08:52:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, within 24 hours of announcing my remission I had a major setback. The chemotherapy has eaten through some of the lining of my nose and as a result I had a MASSIVE nose bleed. It was like a faucet! It took 16 hours, a trip to the emergency room and several trips to an ENT to get it under control. The Dr. ended up packing my nose with several differnt packs over a 9 day period. These packs are amazingly huge. When he was coming at me with them I kept thinking there in NO way that huge thing is going to fit in my face. To say the least it was very uncomfortable. If the packs didn't work I was going to have to have surgery to cauterize the lining of my nose. This was a big concern because the chemo was not allowing my body to heal properly. I still have an unhealed wound from a surgery I had last October if that is any indication on how slow my body is healing at the moment. Yesterday I had the final pack removed. Ouch! I was totally expecting my brain to pop out of my nose and land smack on my lap! Everything so far has gone great. No bleeding, but I am still on high alert for a couple more weeks. I'm not allowed to do any housework ( darn). And I still have to sleep sitting up in a recliner. A small price to pay for saving my nose. I want to sincerely thank everyone for your prayers during all of this. I KNOW it made a big difference. Which brings me to why would God allow this to happen in the first place? Instead of jumping up and down and yelling yipee at my remission news I was miserable and pumped up on happy pills. I don't have the answers but still I trust His decision to allow this setback. I think it just makes me all the happier that I am now on my way towards a more normal life and towards healing.

I am going to take some time off from blogging for a while. I hope it has made you think about what is important and what is not. I hope it has made you ask yourself what you really believe about Him and his goodness. I know this has been very therapeutic for me. I may be back later and I may not. It depends on Him and how He leads me, because the Father really does know best!

Praise Report!

2008-01-22T12:20:00.000-08:00

Last night I got the good news. My PET scan came back clean, I am officially in remission! God is good!!!! I was totally shocked because the last CT scan I had in November showed that the tumor had shrunk very little since I had stopped radiation treatments in July, so to get the message that the tumor was totally gone was surprising. Wow, it's kinda weird to not have a tumor. I don't think I ever shared my tumor's name with you before. Its name was M_ _ _ _ _ F_ _ _ _ _. I haven't shared the name in the past for obvious reasons. I didn't name it, I would just hear this voice in my head at my radiation treatments that said," Die, M_ _ _ _ _ F_ _ _ _ _ ,die!" So that is how I found out it's name. It seemed appropriate seeing as how I am a mother and all and it was well, you know, F'ing up ,my life. But now he is gone!
Anyway, I give God the glory! I figure at worse this news means I have been bought more time, and at best it could be the beginning of a miracle. I'll take either gift because both are precious! I know that the many prayers that all of you have sent up for me have made a tremendous difference and I thank each and every one of you! I love you guys!

Below I've personalized this Psalm:

Oh Lord, I rejoice in your strength.
How great is my joy in the victories you give!
You have granted me the desire of my heart
and have not withheld the request of my lips.
You welcome me with rich blessings
and place a crown of pure gold on my head.
I asked you for life and you gave it to me-
length of days, for ever and ever.
Through the victories you gave, my glory is great;
you have bestowed on me splendor and majesty.
Surely you have granted me eternal blessings
and made me glad with the joy of your presence.
For I trust in the Lord;
through the unfailing love of the Most High
I will not be shaken.

Psalm 21:1-7

Dolphins

2008-01-21T12:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I am feeling down and I am feeling like God doesn't really care about me or doesn't seem to be listening to my prayers, I remember the dolphins. Every year we visit the Jersey Shore because Rob's family has a beach house there. It is one of my favorite places on earth. Not only because of the sand and the surf, but because of all of the great family memories there. One of my favorite things I like to do at the beach is run in the morning. I love how the cool damp air fills my lungs. Unfortunately, I can't run on the beach because I find it to be too hard on my knees, so I run around the streets of the island and then walk back on the beach. This is my reward, my favorite time of day. I love walking along the beach with hardly a soul around. The orange glints of the newly risen sun dance on the waves. I love making the first footprints on the machined combed sand and then race down to the waters edge so that each salty wave can lick my ankles.

Several years ago I was finishing up my run and was heading toward a beach entrance. As I headed up the street I suddenly found myself praying, "God, thrill me today. I want to see some dolphins." Now I don't know what possessed me to pray such a thing. I was definitley not in the habit for praying for something so frivilous. I easily dismissed the idea stating that I should have prayed this prayer before leaving the house so I could have given God time to "set it up". But just then I heard His spirit say to me in my heart that He knows what my prayer is going to be before I do.

I took off my shoes and socks and began the climb up over the dunes and down to the beach and there they were! 3 of them! Playing and frolicking in the water. Now in my 10 years of going to the beach I had heard that dolphins are seen from time to time, but I had never seen them! I was so overjoyed and overwhelmed with emotion that I flung my arms outward and cried,"Praise you, Jesus!" .....It was then that I noticed the lone fisherman standing not 10 feet away from me. Any burst of emotion in front of a complete stranger is extremely uncomfortable for me, so I stood there horrified. His face showed no condemnation what so ever, he was just grinning from ear to ear. "Yea," he said,"They're pretty cool. They've been hanging out over there for the last 5 minutes just playing." What did he say? Were those dolphins waiting on me? I mumble something unitelligible to the man and begin my walk up the beach to home. And do you know what? Those dolphins followed me! All the way up the beach. They didn't go too fast and they didn't go too slow. Their grey bodies undulating in and out of the water and gliding with the greatest of ease. Beautiful!

When I got to my stop they gently continued on. I watched them until I could see them no more. And as they were swimming away I think about how God loves me. It was something I always knew but this gift, this incredible gift was always going to hold a special place in my heart. Jesus loves me, this I know, through his Son, through his Word, and yes even through the dolphins He told me so.

Thank you, God

2008-01-17T11:52:00.000-08:00

Good Morning God. I just wanted to thank you for this wonderful morning and this wonderful day you have blessed me with. Maybe it is cold outside and I will get to walk in the freshness that cool mornings bring. Or maybe it is warm outside and I will get to feel the warm sun on my face. Thank you God that today I get to clean the toilets and do the laundry. Yeah, I know I've complained about that in the past and I am sorry. I just want to thank you that I have the energy to do that today. I thank you God that today I can taste my food and that this chemo drug doesnt' seem to be making everying taste like metal. I love tasting all the great food you have provided for us. I thank you God that my hair is growing back in so that I can wear a ballcap instead of a wig. I thank you God that my hair is falling out so now shaving my legs is no longer on my to do list. I thank you God when my kids behave like they should and I enjoy them and their laughter. Thank you God when they misbehave and I know that I am still needed. Thank you for zipping hummingbirds, babbling brooks,warm blankets, wonderful friends and a loving husband. Thank you for the sunrise and the sunset. You're awesome. Amen.

Demons

2008-01-14T12:52:00.000-08:00

Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms...Ephesians 6:11-12

I've known from the very beginning of this journey that my true struggle was not going to be physical. My real enemy was not the cancer, but rather THE enemy himself. Those first few months of realization of just what the future may have in store for me was the lowest period of my life. And yet the funny thing is when people asked me how I was doing the greatest I would venture to tell them was I was "a little blue". Wow, now that's an understatement! In reality during those first few months I was under complete attack. Night time was the worse. I could do well during the daylight hours. In fact at that time I believe that I over extended myself in busyness just to escape my mind. But nighttime, nighttime is a different story. The kids would be asleep, and everything would start to settle and I could literally feel an oppressiveness come over me. It was a physical feeling that I knew stemmed from the spiritual world. I could even see a darkness out of the corner of my eyes. A darkness that I knew was going to envelope me.

I can see why now some people when encountered with some great devastation in their lives can become addicted to alcohol or pain killers. There was a part of me that was grateful for the great amount of pain I was in because I had a good excuse to use the painkillers. I must admit, not only did it dull the physical pain, it also dulled the demons in my head.

It wasn't until I decided to let God be in charge (see blog titled "It's Still Not About Me" ) that I found the strength to fight this. This strength was not of my own, but of God. I put on that Belt of Truth; that no weapon formed against me shall prevail. I put on the Breastplate of Righteousness and understood that if God is on my side who can be against me? The Boots of Peace in knowing that God can and will give me a peace beyond all understanding. The Shield of Faith: faith that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans for a hope and a future. The Helmet of Salvation that would protect my mind from the whisperings of the enemy and all his lies. And finally, the Sword of the Spirit, the very Word of God that can bring me comfort in all circumstances.

The demons have left the building...yet I know they still lurk, waiting for a chance to pounce.

I'm dressed and ready for them.

Guilt

2008-01-11T09:10:00.000-08:00

Guilt.
Guilt over being sick.
Guilt over making my family sad.
Guilt for leaving my daughters too soon.
Guilt for leaving my husband alone with two teenage girls to raise.
Guilt for the financial stress this disease brings.
Guilt for the emotional stress it brings.
Guilt that future celebrations like my daughters' weddings will have a touch of sadness to them.
Guilt for the fear that this has put in my childrens' hearts. I know they watch and wonder if their futures will hold the same sufferings.
Guilt that I may have given them the gene that WILL cause them to suffer.
Guilt.

Vegan, shmeegan

2008-01-08T11:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, it finally happened. I've turned into one of THOSE people. You know who I'm talking about. Those super cancer survivors that you only see on TV that spend all of there days drinking kale juice and doing yoga. Granted the tranfomation isn't complete. I mean how can it be for someone who has only being doing this for 14 days, 13 hours and 55 minutes? Not that I am counting.

So I am now a vegan. For those out there who don't know the difference between vegans and vegetarians, vegans eat no animal products whatsoever. That includes my beloved cheese. I have also given up sugar and white flour products. The sugar withdrawals have been fierce. Talk about cranky. But I think I am over that now and the wounds that I have inflicted on my husband and children seem to be healing up nicely.

So what do you eat you ask. Well, this morning I had a banana, blackberries, and trail mix which I washed down with some good ol' OJ. For lunch, a salad with all sorts of goodies and a bell pepper burrito on a whole flour tortilla complete with humus and salsa (but sadly no cheese). Tonight I am having some kind of grapefruit and endive salad. Suprisingly it is all yummy and so far I don't seem to be losing weight. Good to know since I weigh all of 100 pounds soaking wet. Which brings me to my next subject...dieting. I have never been on a diet in my life. I know, I know you hate me for it. I've heard it all my life, but now I know why it is such a struggle. I can honestly say that I don't remember my dreams, but lately I have had very vivid dreams about food. I wake in the morning and if I hesitate before opening my eyes I can still taste the steak and the fudge chocolate ice cream. Ahhh, divine. But then I get up and all is lost. Don't get my wrong, I don't plan to skip the cake and ice cream on my Birthday, no tofu turkey for me at Thanksgiving. I will let it slide on those special days, but all of the rest of the time I will be a strict vegan......Man, I can't wait until the Super Bowl.

2007

2007-12-27T13:04:00.000-08:00

This is going to be my last blog for 2007. It is Christmas break and we are staying busy as so many of you are. Plus Brianna is home and we are both fighting for the use of the computer.

This as been a tough year for us despite its "lucky" number. Rob's Dad passed away in the beginning of January. This has left a hole in the family and had forced us to adjust to a new normal. Then we got the news about my recurrence in May. The force of emotions that sweep over you with this type of news is almost primal. It is scary to know that you can hurt that much. But, this year has also been a year of blessings. I am once again blessed to have so many friends that love and care about me. I am blessed to have this illness so that they feel compelled to show me that love without reservations.

I was blessed to once again see my little Kaitlin get up in front of the entire school and belt out a song. Yeah, I admit I get a little puffed up with pride when I hear her sing. I was blessed to see her become a little spitfire of a basketball player. Even though she is the shortest one out there, she is constantly stealing the ball and making baskets for her team. I was blessed to be able to answer or try to answer the billions and billions of questions she constantly throws my way.

I was blessed to see my beautiful Brianna become an absolutley incredible volleyball player. To see her dive after every ball and play with such passion is totally exciting. Her team came in first in the OKC division. The finals of their last tournament was a nail biter, but they won with Brianna scoring the winning point. Rob did a wonderful job as their coach. I am also blessed to see her slowly turn into part little girl part young woman. She is growing up to be such a beautiful lady, not only on the outside, but also on the inside.

I was blessed to have Rob walk through this with me. It has been a difficult year for him. He was very close to his Dad, but we have traveled this journey together. I have been blessed to know that we can survive anything that comes our way. In the show Evita, Eva Peron is sick and nearing death. Her husband is valiantly by her side throughout. She sings a song that I have always liked called "You Must Love Me." It speaks of how she is surprised at the strength he shows and how she is comforted by that strength. This is how Rob has blessed me.

I am blessed to have deeper understanding of God and who He is and how He will see me through anything. I am blessed to learn more about myself, about who I am and what I can overcome. I am blessed to get a clearer view of this life and just how precious it is.

2007 has been a struggle but I have become a better person because of it and I know that no matter what the Lord has planned for me in 2008. it will ultimately be a blessing too.

The Wheelbarrow

2007-12-21T12:42:00.000-08:00

A friend shared a wonderful story the other day that went something like this.

At the turn of the century there was a world renown tightwalker. His latest stunt was to cross Niagra Falls on a tightrope. He crosses the falls on this wet and slippery rope with the greatest of ease even as the powerful waterfall crashes and threatens from below. When he reaches the far side, the crowd goes wild. The thightrope walker then announces that he will now cross the tightrope pushing his manager in a wheelbarrow. The crowd is nervously hushed as they watch the stuntman cross the thundering falls with his mananger in nothing but a wheelbarrow. As they reach the other side the crowd goes utterly crazy, their applause and cheers rival the sound of the falls. At that moment, the rope walker asks if there are any volunteers willing to cross in the wheelbarrow with him.

The crowd instantly goes deadly silent.

Isn't that human nature? Trusting anyone but yourself is a total challenge. I find myself being asked to trust Him over and over again. But I am finding that He is trustworthy.

I had an appointment yesterday with my oncologist and I feel extrememly encouraged. I don't know why. CT scans are kinda suggesting that the chemo may not be working. We can't know for sure because even though the scan shows something still in my chest about the size of a golfball, it is behind my breastbone and can't be reached for biopsy. We have decided to finsh up chemo at the end of January and then, well... wait. Just wait and see what happens. Will it grow and prove to be remaining tumor or will it just sit there? I don't know, but for some reason I have a peace that transcends all understanding. I am in the wheelbarrow and the water is crashing underneath me, but I know that somehow, someway, we will reach the other side.

It's A Wonderful Life

2007-12-18T07:56:00.000-08:00

When I was first diagnosed in 2004 I wasn't really all that scared. Cancer runs strong in my family so it was almost like a rite of passage. I had caught this cancer early (stage 1) and it was just going to be a painful nuissance more than anything else. I thought if I did everything right (do the chemo, get the surgeries) that everything would be just fine and I would live the rest of my life cancer free. It would be just a major bump in the road of my life. But even with this mentality, it did make me stop and think about my life and where it was going. I felt compelled to make a life list. This list consisted of three catagories: What I want to do, What I want to learn, and Where I want to go. My list consisted of things like do a ropes course, learn the violin, and travel to Italy. Just like George Bailey on It's A Wonderful Life, I felt like those were the things that made you someone. I've always loved that movie and understood it's message, but this year it seemed to strike a deeper cord in me. George always felt like the only way he could ever make any difference in the world was to travel extensively and do great things like build skyscrapers and bridges. He often felt very insignificant in his tiny little town of Bedford Falls.

I understand that. Don't we all want to feel like we've left the world a better place? How can I make any difference here in Edmond, OK? How can being "just a housewife" be important? When I was first diagnosed with this recurrence, again I was mad at God because it seemed like I wasn't allowed to dream. Violin playing and ropes courses were out of the question because of the pain I had in my shoulder and chest. Traveling was no longer a possibility because our savings had been sucked dry to pay for medical expenses. But in the midst of this I found out what George did. It wasn't the trips or the actitvities that make you significant. It is the people and realtionships that matter. I would like to think that I have had an influence on the many students that I have taught over the years. That they are not only better musicians but better people because of me. I would like to think that I have helped friends in times of trouble. That I have offered a sympathetic ear or a timely bit of advice. I know that I have had a profound infuence on my girls. How will my mark on them influence the future generations of my family? Maybe just like George, I HAVE made my part of the world a better place. These are the real treasures of our lives. Not whether we excelled at work or gained notoriety. It's not where we've traveled or what we've done that is all important, it's how we've loved.

I still would love to do the things on my list, but they don't have the hold on me that they once did. My friends and family have the true hold on me now. And that has made me the richest gal in town.

Life After Birth

2007-12-15T07:59:00.001-08:00

I came across this the other day and I just thought I would share it with you.

Once upon a time, twin boys were conceived in the same womb. Weeks passed and the twins developed. As their awareness grew, they laughed for joy: "Isn't it great that we were conceived? Isn't it great to be alive?"

Together the twins explored their world. When they found their mother's cord that gave them life, they sang for joy: "How great is our mother's love that she shares her own life with us!"

As weeks stretched into months the twins noticed how much each was changing. "What does it mean?" asked the one.

"It means that our stay in this word is drawing to an end." said the other one.

"But I don't want to go," said the one. "I want to stay here always."

"We have no choice," said the other. "But maybe there is life after birth!"

"But how can there be?" responded the one. "We will shed our life cord, and how is life possible without it? Besides, we have seen evidence that others were here before us, and none of them have returned to tell us that there is life after birth. No, this is the end."

And so the one fell into deep despair, saying: "If conception ends in birth, what is the purpose of life in the womb? It's meaningless! Maybe there is no mother at all."

"But there has to be," protested the other. "How else did we get here? How do we remain alive?"

"Have you seen our mother?" said the one. "Maybe she lives only in our minds. Maybe we made her up because the idea made us feel good."

And so the last days in the womb were filled with deep questioning and fear. Finally, the moment of birth arrived.

When the twins had passed from their world, they opened their eyes and they cried. For what they saw exceeded their fondest dreams.

-Author Unknown

Stupid Is Is Stupid Says

2007-12-13T12:25:00.000-08:00

I was getting a chemo treatment today and reading one of those many cancer magazines they have lying around the office. I came across an article which discussed stupid things that people say to cancer patients. Some of the things on the list were thoughtless, others I thought were quite innocuous. For example, someone was offended when a friend had told her she was brave. I personally would take that as a compliment. No wonder you guys are afraid to say anything.

This article got me thinking about some of the stupid things people have said to me over the last couple of years. While there are several things, I have compiled a top 5 list.

Number 5- "Stage 4 isn't the last stage, death is." Gee, thanks. At least to this lady's credit she immediatley apologized. I thinks she was trying to lift my spirits by reminding me things could be worse. Just remember, nobody is feeling up and positive 100% of the time. Even people with normal problems aren't always happy so give your friendly cancer patient a break.

Number 4- "I've had the flu for the last three days. Now I know exactly how you feel." Oh you do do you? Are you really comparing having the flu for three days to 7 weeks of radiation (complete with painful shots in the stomach), 14 months of chemotherapy, having your breats amputated, 5 painful surgeries, not to mention hair loss? Tell me, when you were hugging the porcelain god were you mourning the loss of seeing your kids full grown and a sense of being cheated out of grandchildren? Puhleese!

Number 3- "There is no such thing as cancer. The Government, doctors, and pharmaceutical companies are in it together for big business." This woman actually begged me. BEGGED me, not to get treatment. She was still adamant even after I told her that several in my family had died from this "made up" disease. Where do these people come from?

Number 2- This wasn't actually something someone said, but rather a gift a lady had given me. It was a book called Jesus the Healer. This woman, who really is a sweet lady, admitted that she hadn't read it but had like the author. This book basically told me that if I had cancer that it was my own fault. Somewhere in my past I must have committed some heinous sin that I needed to repent of. Also, if I saw a doctor for treatment I completely lacked faith. I should wait on the Divine Physician to heal me. Lesson: Never give out reading material that you haven't read yourself.

And the Number 1 Stupid thing said to me was- "You have been cursed by God. You must pray that off of you and your girls." Cursed by God? Really? I would think God would save his cursings for let's say...Hitler or Jeffery Dahmer. Really? Maybe the book was right. Maybe I am a terrible person who deserves this. Or maybe, just maybe shit happens. No, the Bible even tells us that we are no longer cursed because Jesus became a curse for us when he hung on the tree.

So for all of you out there afraid that I am going to get upset for something you might say, breathe easy, I'm sure I've been told worse.

It's Still Not About Me

2007-12-11T09:42:00.000-08:00

The first sentence of Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life says, "It's not about you." This has always been a hard one for me. Actually, anyone who thinks they do not have problems in this area is just kidding themself. Some signs that it is about me is when I get upset when the traffic is too slow. "Why don't they go faster? Don't they know I have somewhere to go?" Or how about the times when one of the kids needs something from me during the great part of a good movie? I either make them wait or begrudgingly do it. Over the years the Lord has shown me my issues in this area and by His grace I have improved tremendously. Traffic doesn't make me crazy like it used to, and I am more likely to see my kids as a ministry rather than an interruption.

When I was first diagnosed with this recurrence of cancer little did I know that I was about to spiritually spiral out of control. I wasn't angry at God for allowing this to happen. I understand that He is in control and that He loves me. What I didn't know was that in a sence I wanted to be my own god in this situation. I was more than willing to go through this if that was His will, but by golly it had better be done my way. Of course I didn't consciously make this decision, it just happened. I expeceted everything else in my life to go smoothly. "No other problems, Lord." My first indication that this wasn't going to be the way of things was when in one weeks time our freezer went out, our roof leaked, and I got a flat tire. Then I became extrememly angry. "Don't I have enough on my plate?!"

As time went on I became more and more resentful that things weren't going the way I thought they should be. The resentment increased. Slowly I felt God pull away from me. The Bible says that the Shepherd will leave the 99 sheep to find the one that is lost. I personally felt like the Shepherd kicked my little sheep butt out in the snow. His presence totally disappeared. I pounded on the gate to get back in until my hands were bloody.

Let me interject here that I don't think we can always rely on our feelings as to whether God is present or not. God is there even when we feel He is not. I think however that this time was different. I have never felt such a loss or confusion about His withdrawal. I feel that God purposely withdrew to get a point across. I wanted to play god and He was going to let me do just that.

Finally I got tired of trying and just walked away. I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. I really feel that I was at a point where I might just walk away from the Truth even though I knew it was the truth. Then I heard God say to my heart that I thougth He owed me. Because of everything I was having to face, He owed me. He made it very clear that He owes me nothing. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." I shall not want what? I shall not want my own way. This was my Gethsemene, was I going to say not my will, but yours be done? What Jesus was able to say in the same breath took me 3 weeks to decide. I finally came to realize that without Him I am so lost that I will self destruct. So I made the choice to follow Him and to trust His plan even if I think His plan is kinda crummy. And in true God form, He tested me on it within the first 24 hours of my decision. I woke up and found that my port was infected and was going to have to be imediately removed. ( A port is a button in your chest that makes receiving chemo treatment easier and less painful because you get to skip those pesky IV's.) I was immediatly put on an IV antibiotic and had an allergic reaction. Because of the infection, removing the port was extremely excrutiating. These are things hat I would have gotten angry at God for allowing. Instead I found myself "lying down in green pastures", and "being led to still waters." Yes, He restored my soul. It's still not about me. I still have times when I feel down or things are a little difficult, but I know that He has "plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans for a hope and a future." I will trust those plans. It's not about me, It IS about Him.

Blessings

2007-12-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

In the words of Monty Python, "And now for something completely different." Let's discuss the blessings of this yucky disease. First of all, let me say that I have never felt so loved. Even total strangers amaze me at their kindness and generosity. The Lord is constantly blessing us through the body of Christ. Financially things are tight. Even with the best medical insurance this disease can be a financial strain. But the Lord has used people time and time again to help us through. I know we don't need to worry about such things, He is faithful and will always come through.

He has also surrounded me with the most amazing group of friends. These women are there for me to help turn "my wailing into dancing." At the last Race for the Cure we had 40 people sign up for Team Staci. It was such an honor to have so many race under my name. They say that those with a strong support system have a better chance of survival. My friends have made my chances of beating this disease skyrocket. They are there to let me cry on them or to just go shopping. I love you all so very much!!

Not only am I blessed with wonderful friends, but an incredible family. I think so often that we take the people in our lives for granted. We think they will always be there and we get too used to them being around. I have a wonderful husband. Oh sure, he can make me crazy as only husbands can, but he has been through the ringer with me. Actually, when someone gets cancer, the whole family gets cancer. It is so hard, but Rob has loved me through it all. I read somewhere that many marriages suffer divorce at the hands of this challenge, and I think how very sad. Where would I be without Rob's love and support? He makes me feel desirable when I feel about as ugly as they come. After the mastectomy and reconstruction I have dealt with and am continuing to deal with body issues. I refer to my new breasts as Frankenboobs. An attepmt at being funny and yet still describing how I truly feel about them. It is hard to feel attractive when you are bald and you've lost even your eyelashes and eyebrows. You can't help but look a little weird when those go. Sometimes I feel like I look like a concentration camp victim. Yet Rob always makes me feel attractive and loved.

Then there are my girls. They are truly the joy of my life. I look at them and realize that no matter what, a part of me lives on through them. They amaze me at how smart, beautiful and talented they are. They bless me with their love, laughter and their interesting and different take of the world. I love to watch them and see things again for the first time through their eyes. They remind me just how magical this world and the people in it are.

Then there is to joy of experiencing God throughout this mess. I must admit that my faith has been challenged beyond a point that I thought it could survive. I have faltered, but ultimatly not only has my faith in the Lord survived, it has thrived. I see nature in a whole new way. I love watching birds and how the flit from tree to tree and how each has a different song. I love the sound of rushing water and how rain hitting the pavement sounds like bacon frying. I love how the smell of honeysuckle fills my senses and a baby's laughter makes my heart spring into a smile.

I think people kind of have a romantic view of how their life will change dramatically if they are diagnosed with a terminal disease. I know I did. I thought that suddenly nothing insignificant would bother me. And I must admit, my view has changed dramatically at what is insignificnat and what is not. But unfortunatly, I still struggle on occasion. I guess it is a good thing I have a Savior to help me through. So that is another blessing, I have learned so much over the last several months, thing that I want to share with you and will over the next blogs.

Postitive Thinking vs. Reality

2007-12-04T12:39:00.000-08:00

I've always thought of myself as a "the glass is half full" kind of person. Usually I am pretty upbeat. I know it makes some people uncomfortable when I say negative things about my prognosis. There are people that feel that I should always think and say positive things. I want to make it very clear that from a spiritual point of view I KNOW that God would only have to say the word and I would instantly be healed. The question is will He chose to do that? I don't know.

I feel that there is a fine line between being positive and being in denial. The medical reality is my prognosis couldn't get any poorer. I have stage 4 cancer, there is no stage 5. I have the most aggressive and hardest to kill tumor level, level 3. There is no level 4. So from a medical standpoint things don't look good.

Some people have told me that Jesus wants to heal eveyone. I believe that is true, but for whatever reason He doesn't do it. I've seen several people cling to the hope that God will heal them. They later die and there are some who subtly suggest that the deceased just didn't have enough faith. I know that I'm not speaking to the majority of you, but when you have cancer these people come out of the woodwork. They mean well, but I truly believe that their thinking is wrong. I always wonder if they convince themselves of this "truth" for fear that it may happen to them. If and when bad things do happen to them, do they wonder where their lack of faith came from?

No, I TRULY believe that God could heal me of this disease, but as of yet He has not given me any indication that He will. The real question is, will I trust Him no matter what path He has chosen for me.....

Yes!

Why blog?

2007-12-02T16:07:00.000-08:00

I'm not a "computer person". And, truth be known I am a terrible typist. So why blog? I feel like I have something to say. The question is, do you want to hear it? There are times that my head just swims in emotions and thoughts, but I often don't express them for fear that it may make you uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because of the love you may have for me. Uncomfortable because of the things it may make you think about. Oh, we all know that we are going to die, but do we really believe it? Do we really see ourselves in the casket? Do we really ask ourselves what kind of legacy we are leaving and what is truly important?

I have a desire to talk about this emotional rollercoaster that I am on. This way I can "spill my guts" and you can chose whether you want to "listen" or not. I believe that I have learned some things over the last 8 months, and I know that the lessons are just beginning. There will be times when my message may be raw. There may be other times when it will just be plain confusing. I'm not saying that I have the answers, oh no, far from it. I'm just saying that I have a desire to talk, and maybe this is the safe way to do just that.