Hey Everyone!
Good news! I just got the CT scan back of my chest and abdomen and everything is still clear. That means no chemo for the summer! Hurray! I am down from 8mg of steroids to 3mg. I think I may have reached my limit but we will see. I am still VERY puffy looking but I am feeling better.
I don't plan to blog much this summer. I feel like the Lord has blessed me with some time where I might be feeling decent and I want to just enjoy my family. I love you all and I will let you know if anything comes up.
Staci
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Health Update
Hey Everyone!
I just got back from seeing the radiologist. She says that the tumor is still there but is less vascular. Since it hasn't grown or there is nothing new showing up we are going to just wait and take another look in about 3 months.
I am continuing to get stronger as I get off of the steroids and do my physical therapy. Otherwise there is really nothing new to report. I give God all of the glory. Keep me in your prayers.
Love ya'll,
Staci
I just got back from seeing the radiologist. She says that the tumor is still there but is less vascular. Since it hasn't grown or there is nothing new showing up we are going to just wait and take another look in about 3 months.
I am continuing to get stronger as I get off of the steroids and do my physical therapy. Otherwise there is really nothing new to report. I give God all of the glory. Keep me in your prayers.
Love ya'll,
Staci
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Brain Scan
Hey Everyone,
I had my brain scan done yesterday. I haven't seen the doctor yet and I won't until the 19th, but I thought the tumor looked a little better. It is still there but it may be a little smaller and more transparent looking. I was just glad to see that it doesn't look like anything new popped up.
Right now I am trying to get off of the steroids. I feel like I am in drug rehab. I get to decrease 1mg every 5 days so it is taking me 40 days to hopefully get all of the way off. I only hope I will be able to do so. I have had some good days and some equally bad days but I guess that is to be expected. Usually by evening I am totally exhausted. Just keep me in your prayers.
I will update you again on the 19th to let you know how I am doing with the steroids and what the doctor has said about the scan.
Love ya'll!
Staci
I had my brain scan done yesterday. I haven't seen the doctor yet and I won't until the 19th, but I thought the tumor looked a little better. It is still there but it may be a little smaller and more transparent looking. I was just glad to see that it doesn't look like anything new popped up.
Right now I am trying to get off of the steroids. I feel like I am in drug rehab. I get to decrease 1mg every 5 days so it is taking me 40 days to hopefully get all of the way off. I only hope I will be able to do so. I have had some good days and some equally bad days but I guess that is to be expected. Usually by evening I am totally exhausted. Just keep me in your prayers.
I will update you again on the 19th to let you know how I am doing with the steroids and what the doctor has said about the scan.
Love ya'll!
Staci
Saturday, May 3, 2008
It's Been One Year and I'm Still Here
Anyone who lives in Oklahoma knows that May 3rd, 1999 is the day an F5 tornado tore through the Oklahoma City metropotlitan area. May 3rd, 2007 is the day I got the news that I had stage 4 breast cancer. This year has been filled with so many challenges. 7 weeks of radiation complete with 2 painful shots in the stomach daily that made me violently ill. 8 months of hair flying, bone exhausting chemotherapy. 9 days of having nose plugs the size of shoe horns crammed up my nose to stop excessive bleeding. 1 week of false remission. A brain tumor. A gamma knife procedure that still hasn't brought any relief. And steroids that have puffed my body out of recogniton and made me crazy. Whew! Talk about tornado!!!
But in the midst of my body totally falling apart my soul and spirit have experienced healing that never could have been achieved otherwise. My relationship with the Lord has been strong for years, but this is the first time I can say that He truly IS my everything. This is the first time that I can honestly say that I pray without ceasing. That He is constantly in my mind and in my heart. The other day I came across the parable about how a man looked for a treausre in a field and when he found it he sold everything he had to buy that field. I get that now, because even with all of the suffering I would sell it all to get what I now have with Him.
Don't get me wrong, I still want and pray for healing, but even the motivation behind that has changed. Before I was trying to convince God that I needed to be there for my children. Recently I have found that my prayers are so I could use this wisdom to help others and I truly mean it!!! Seeing my kids grow just seem like a bonus and not a priority. I hope that doesn't sound cruel, of course I adore them, but I am just trying to point out what has happened in my heart. In the end though I have told God that I don't know what He is doing and if His plan means the death of me so be it, I trust whatever He plans, because I have experienced His life changing love. Please believe me when I say He loves you, too. He is concerned with your EVERY need. Spend time with Him, get to know Him. I know a lot about Elvis but I don't know Elvis and Elvis never knew me. Please do not let your relationship with Christ be like that. He wants to talk to you, to know the real you. And the only way you are going to get to know that real Him is to spend time in prayer and in His word. I'm not trying to be preachy, i just know what I am talking about and I so desperatley want that for everyone!
God Bless!!
But in the midst of my body totally falling apart my soul and spirit have experienced healing that never could have been achieved otherwise. My relationship with the Lord has been strong for years, but this is the first time I can say that He truly IS my everything. This is the first time that I can honestly say that I pray without ceasing. That He is constantly in my mind and in my heart. The other day I came across the parable about how a man looked for a treausre in a field and when he found it he sold everything he had to buy that field. I get that now, because even with all of the suffering I would sell it all to get what I now have with Him.
Don't get me wrong, I still want and pray for healing, but even the motivation behind that has changed. Before I was trying to convince God that I needed to be there for my children. Recently I have found that my prayers are so I could use this wisdom to help others and I truly mean it!!! Seeing my kids grow just seem like a bonus and not a priority. I hope that doesn't sound cruel, of course I adore them, but I am just trying to point out what has happened in my heart. In the end though I have told God that I don't know what He is doing and if His plan means the death of me so be it, I trust whatever He plans, because I have experienced His life changing love. Please believe me when I say He loves you, too. He is concerned with your EVERY need. Spend time with Him, get to know Him. I know a lot about Elvis but I don't know Elvis and Elvis never knew me. Please do not let your relationship with Christ be like that. He wants to talk to you, to know the real you. And the only way you are going to get to know that real Him is to spend time in prayer and in His word. I'm not trying to be preachy, i just know what I am talking about and I so desperatley want that for everyone!
God Bless!!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Who Is She?
Who is she?
That woman in the mirror
With the puffy face and the short whispy red hair.
I don't recognize her.
Who is she?
This woman with her swollen belly and her limp.
She used to sing
She had a strong voice, she was known for it
It was part of who she was.
She can no longer sing
Her voice weak and barely audible.
Who is she?
The other day while she was shopping she noticed a disabled woman
and a wave of pity swept over her.
And then she realized,
She IS that woman,
And she wondered how more disabled she may become as the months tumble by.
But she knows she never wants anyone to pity her!
NEVER!!!!
Because just as she is unrecgonizable on the outside
She is also unrecognizable on the inside.
She is now a fearless warrior!!
She is happy and at peace!
She only wishes she had the energy to show it.
That woman in the mirror
With the puffy face and the short whispy red hair.
I don't recognize her.
Who is she?
This woman with her swollen belly and her limp.
She used to sing
She had a strong voice, she was known for it
It was part of who she was.
She can no longer sing
Her voice weak and barely audible.
Who is she?
The other day while she was shopping she noticed a disabled woman
and a wave of pity swept over her.
And then she realized,
She IS that woman,
And she wondered how more disabled she may become as the months tumble by.
But she knows she never wants anyone to pity her!
NEVER!!!!
Because just as she is unrecgonizable on the outside
She is also unrecognizable on the inside.
She is now a fearless warrior!!
She is happy and at peace!
She only wishes she had the energy to show it.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Embracing Letting Go
I've turned a corner in my thinking. Yesterday was the 6 week mark of the gamma knife surgery and it has become painfully obvious to me that it didn't work. I think the tumor tunrned into scar tissue. They told me that there was that possibility. I don't think it is a tumor anymore but still there is a foreign object in my brain that causes me to be miserable. I know that 2 out of my 3 doctors told me that if it did turn to scar tissue they would have to manually remove it. REAL brain surgery. The radialogist hasn't said that yet, so maybe she still has something up her sleeve. Either way I have always known that doctors were never going to be able to cure me. I mean come on, I am stage 4 with a grade 3 tumor, the most aggressive level. I always knew that all they could do was buy me time. When it got to my brain I thought well, everytime a tumor pops up we will just zap that puppy and buy me some time in between. But it has become obvious to me that that isn't even going to occur anymore and they are not going to pop my head open everytime another one shows up. If I receive any remission at all or any miraculous healing it is ALL God.
As you can imagine this realization has had quite an impact on my mind. One night last week as the thoughts raced through my still sterioded out mind, I began to get some chest pain. No matter what I did the pain remained. I became more and more angry at God for allowing me to suffer so. Then the most bizarre thing happened. I ended up putting on my favorite worship CD (on headphones because it was 1:00 in the morning) and I began to cuss God out. I was bawling, begging, pleading and quite frankly calling God every obsenity in the book. I've had heart wrenching prayers before, but this was the rawest I had ever been before him. Just as the Bible describes Jacob wrestling with God, He and I were going to have it out and believe me I let Him have it. The names I called Him, the things I said to the Creator of the Universe were absolutley apalling and all the while I have this beautiful worship CD singing his praises in my ear. When I finally collapsed in total exhaustion I fully expected remorse and the Spirit to tell me that it was time to confess and ask for forgiveness for my horrible behavior, but do you know what happened? I felt a complete wave of love sweep over me. A love so powerful I cannot describe it in words. I knew then that my behavior was one of those stripes on his back, one of the really deep ones that he took before going to the cross and that He took that stripe joyfully! Joyfully! I didn't deserve this all consuming love that He was pouring out on me and yet there was absolutley no judgment what so ever for what I had just done!! I began praising Him and thanking Him for letiing me behave so horribly with out any judgement. He is amazing!!
Recently I learned a little histoy about Cortes. After sailing across the ocean and reaching their destination the men were tired and wanted to go home. Cortes burned all of there ships so they would have no choice but to be committed to the cause. I have felt this same way from God, like He has burned all of my ships and that I what other choice do I have, but do you know what? Now that I have experienced His overpowering love and forgiveness I want to stay on this island. On my other island there was fear- there is no longer any fear only his overpowering presence. Don't get me wrong, there is still some dread, but I like to think of it as a woman in labor. Labor is hard, painful and there is a lot of suffering, but when it is over you are so flooded with love you don't remember. I think death is probably the same way. It is hard, painful, and there is a lot so suffering, but when all is said and done the love is so complete and overwhelming you won't even remember. I'm still praying for my miracle. Maybe I will get it, maybe I won't. But with a love like this, how could His answer to my prayers be wrong? Praise His holy name!!!
As you can imagine this realization has had quite an impact on my mind. One night last week as the thoughts raced through my still sterioded out mind, I began to get some chest pain. No matter what I did the pain remained. I became more and more angry at God for allowing me to suffer so. Then the most bizarre thing happened. I ended up putting on my favorite worship CD (on headphones because it was 1:00 in the morning) and I began to cuss God out. I was bawling, begging, pleading and quite frankly calling God every obsenity in the book. I've had heart wrenching prayers before, but this was the rawest I had ever been before him. Just as the Bible describes Jacob wrestling with God, He and I were going to have it out and believe me I let Him have it. The names I called Him, the things I said to the Creator of the Universe were absolutley apalling and all the while I have this beautiful worship CD singing his praises in my ear. When I finally collapsed in total exhaustion I fully expected remorse and the Spirit to tell me that it was time to confess and ask for forgiveness for my horrible behavior, but do you know what happened? I felt a complete wave of love sweep over me. A love so powerful I cannot describe it in words. I knew then that my behavior was one of those stripes on his back, one of the really deep ones that he took before going to the cross and that He took that stripe joyfully! Joyfully! I didn't deserve this all consuming love that He was pouring out on me and yet there was absolutley no judgment what so ever for what I had just done!! I began praising Him and thanking Him for letiing me behave so horribly with out any judgement. He is amazing!!
Recently I learned a little histoy about Cortes. After sailing across the ocean and reaching their destination the men were tired and wanted to go home. Cortes burned all of there ships so they would have no choice but to be committed to the cause. I have felt this same way from God, like He has burned all of my ships and that I what other choice do I have, but do you know what? Now that I have experienced His overpowering love and forgiveness I want to stay on this island. On my other island there was fear- there is no longer any fear only his overpowering presence. Don't get me wrong, there is still some dread, but I like to think of it as a woman in labor. Labor is hard, painful and there is a lot of suffering, but when it is over you are so flooded with love you don't remember. I think death is probably the same way. It is hard, painful, and there is a lot so suffering, but when all is said and done the love is so complete and overwhelming you won't even remember. I'm still praying for my miracle. Maybe I will get it, maybe I won't. But with a love like this, how could His answer to my prayers be wrong? Praise His holy name!!!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
A Little Blog Break
Hey Guys!
I think I am going to take a little break from blogging for a little while. I am still on all of these steroids and they are making me crazy. I feel like I am on speed and my brain is so unfocused right now. I did start some physical therapy yesterday and felt very empowered. I actually feel like I'm doing something to try to heal instead of just kinda waiting around to see what happens. I will give you health updates from time to time but until I can get off of all of this medication I think blogging would just be difficult. I love you all and I thank you for your continued concern and prayers!
I think I am going to take a little break from blogging for a little while. I am still on all of these steroids and they are making me crazy. I feel like I am on speed and my brain is so unfocused right now. I did start some physical therapy yesterday and felt very empowered. I actually feel like I'm doing something to try to heal instead of just kinda waiting around to see what happens. I will give you health updates from time to time but until I can get off of all of this medication I think blogging would just be difficult. I love you all and I thank you for your continued concern and prayers!
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