Who is she?
That woman in the mirror
With the puffy face and the short whispy red hair.
I don't recognize her.
Who is she?
This woman with her swollen belly and her limp.
She used to sing
She had a strong voice, she was known for it
It was part of who she was.
She can no longer sing
Her voice weak and barely audible.
Who is she?
The other day while she was shopping she noticed a disabled woman
and a wave of pity swept over her.
And then she realized,
She IS that woman,
And she wondered how more disabled she may become as the months tumble by.
But she knows she never wants anyone to pity her!
NEVER!!!!
Because just as she is unrecgonizable on the outside
She is also unrecognizable on the inside.
She is now a fearless warrior!!
She is happy and at peace!
She only wishes she had the energy to show it.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Embracing Letting Go
I've turned a corner in my thinking. Yesterday was the 6 week mark of the gamma knife surgery and it has become painfully obvious to me that it didn't work. I think the tumor tunrned into scar tissue. They told me that there was that possibility. I don't think it is a tumor anymore but still there is a foreign object in my brain that causes me to be miserable. I know that 2 out of my 3 doctors told me that if it did turn to scar tissue they would have to manually remove it. REAL brain surgery. The radialogist hasn't said that yet, so maybe she still has something up her sleeve. Either way I have always known that doctors were never going to be able to cure me. I mean come on, I am stage 4 with a grade 3 tumor, the most aggressive level. I always knew that all they could do was buy me time. When it got to my brain I thought well, everytime a tumor pops up we will just zap that puppy and buy me some time in between. But it has become obvious to me that that isn't even going to occur anymore and they are not going to pop my head open everytime another one shows up. If I receive any remission at all or any miraculous healing it is ALL God.
As you can imagine this realization has had quite an impact on my mind. One night last week as the thoughts raced through my still sterioded out mind, I began to get some chest pain. No matter what I did the pain remained. I became more and more angry at God for allowing me to suffer so. Then the most bizarre thing happened. I ended up putting on my favorite worship CD (on headphones because it was 1:00 in the morning) and I began to cuss God out. I was bawling, begging, pleading and quite frankly calling God every obsenity in the book. I've had heart wrenching prayers before, but this was the rawest I had ever been before him. Just as the Bible describes Jacob wrestling with God, He and I were going to have it out and believe me I let Him have it. The names I called Him, the things I said to the Creator of the Universe were absolutley apalling and all the while I have this beautiful worship CD singing his praises in my ear. When I finally collapsed in total exhaustion I fully expected remorse and the Spirit to tell me that it was time to confess and ask for forgiveness for my horrible behavior, but do you know what happened? I felt a complete wave of love sweep over me. A love so powerful I cannot describe it in words. I knew then that my behavior was one of those stripes on his back, one of the really deep ones that he took before going to the cross and that He took that stripe joyfully! Joyfully! I didn't deserve this all consuming love that He was pouring out on me and yet there was absolutley no judgment what so ever for what I had just done!! I began praising Him and thanking Him for letiing me behave so horribly with out any judgement. He is amazing!!
Recently I learned a little histoy about Cortes. After sailing across the ocean and reaching their destination the men were tired and wanted to go home. Cortes burned all of there ships so they would have no choice but to be committed to the cause. I have felt this same way from God, like He has burned all of my ships and that I what other choice do I have, but do you know what? Now that I have experienced His overpowering love and forgiveness I want to stay on this island. On my other island there was fear- there is no longer any fear only his overpowering presence. Don't get me wrong, there is still some dread, but I like to think of it as a woman in labor. Labor is hard, painful and there is a lot of suffering, but when it is over you are so flooded with love you don't remember. I think death is probably the same way. It is hard, painful, and there is a lot so suffering, but when all is said and done the love is so complete and overwhelming you won't even remember. I'm still praying for my miracle. Maybe I will get it, maybe I won't. But with a love like this, how could His answer to my prayers be wrong? Praise His holy name!!!
As you can imagine this realization has had quite an impact on my mind. One night last week as the thoughts raced through my still sterioded out mind, I began to get some chest pain. No matter what I did the pain remained. I became more and more angry at God for allowing me to suffer so. Then the most bizarre thing happened. I ended up putting on my favorite worship CD (on headphones because it was 1:00 in the morning) and I began to cuss God out. I was bawling, begging, pleading and quite frankly calling God every obsenity in the book. I've had heart wrenching prayers before, but this was the rawest I had ever been before him. Just as the Bible describes Jacob wrestling with God, He and I were going to have it out and believe me I let Him have it. The names I called Him, the things I said to the Creator of the Universe were absolutley apalling and all the while I have this beautiful worship CD singing his praises in my ear. When I finally collapsed in total exhaustion I fully expected remorse and the Spirit to tell me that it was time to confess and ask for forgiveness for my horrible behavior, but do you know what happened? I felt a complete wave of love sweep over me. A love so powerful I cannot describe it in words. I knew then that my behavior was one of those stripes on his back, one of the really deep ones that he took before going to the cross and that He took that stripe joyfully! Joyfully! I didn't deserve this all consuming love that He was pouring out on me and yet there was absolutley no judgment what so ever for what I had just done!! I began praising Him and thanking Him for letiing me behave so horribly with out any judgement. He is amazing!!
Recently I learned a little histoy about Cortes. After sailing across the ocean and reaching their destination the men were tired and wanted to go home. Cortes burned all of there ships so they would have no choice but to be committed to the cause. I have felt this same way from God, like He has burned all of my ships and that I what other choice do I have, but do you know what? Now that I have experienced His overpowering love and forgiveness I want to stay on this island. On my other island there was fear- there is no longer any fear only his overpowering presence. Don't get me wrong, there is still some dread, but I like to think of it as a woman in labor. Labor is hard, painful and there is a lot of suffering, but when it is over you are so flooded with love you don't remember. I think death is probably the same way. It is hard, painful, and there is a lot so suffering, but when all is said and done the love is so complete and overwhelming you won't even remember. I'm still praying for my miracle. Maybe I will get it, maybe I won't. But with a love like this, how could His answer to my prayers be wrong? Praise His holy name!!!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
A Little Blog Break
Hey Guys!
I think I am going to take a little break from blogging for a little while. I am still on all of these steroids and they are making me crazy. I feel like I am on speed and my brain is so unfocused right now. I did start some physical therapy yesterday and felt very empowered. I actually feel like I'm doing something to try to heal instead of just kinda waiting around to see what happens. I will give you health updates from time to time but until I can get off of all of this medication I think blogging would just be difficult. I love you all and I thank you for your continued concern and prayers!
I think I am going to take a little break from blogging for a little while. I am still on all of these steroids and they are making me crazy. I feel like I am on speed and my brain is so unfocused right now. I did start some physical therapy yesterday and felt very empowered. I actually feel like I'm doing something to try to heal instead of just kinda waiting around to see what happens. I will give you health updates from time to time but until I can get off of all of this medication I think blogging would just be difficult. I love you all and I thank you for your continued concern and prayers!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Health Update March 24th
Hey Everyone,
I've been kinda waiting to blog until I saw the doctors. The day after I got back from Hawaii I had a brain scan. I knew nothing would be different because I don't feel any better, but still actually seeing it on the films concerned me. I thought it should be shrinking SOME by now. But, I saw both the readiololgist and the neurologist today and they both thought as of yet everything was looking fine. The tumor itself isn't smaller but it does look fuzzier so maybe it is doing something. We are going to wait two more months and do another brain scan. In the meantime, I get a handicapped sticker for my car and I will begin some physical therapy since I am still having such difficulty with my right arm and leg. I think the worse thing is that I have to continue using the steroids. They are making me so puffy and SO cranky. Please pray that my family can put up with me or better yet let's just pray that the crankiness goes away. Thank you for all of your prayers!
I've been kinda waiting to blog until I saw the doctors. The day after I got back from Hawaii I had a brain scan. I knew nothing would be different because I don't feel any better, but still actually seeing it on the films concerned me. I thought it should be shrinking SOME by now. But, I saw both the readiololgist and the neurologist today and they both thought as of yet everything was looking fine. The tumor itself isn't smaller but it does look fuzzier so maybe it is doing something. We are going to wait two more months and do another brain scan. In the meantime, I get a handicapped sticker for my car and I will begin some physical therapy since I am still having such difficulty with my right arm and leg. I think the worse thing is that I have to continue using the steroids. They are making me so puffy and SO cranky. Please pray that my family can put up with me or better yet let's just pray that the crankiness goes away. Thank you for all of your prayers!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Hawaii
Hey Everyone!
We made it back from Hawaii in one piece and it was a trip of a lifetime! Anyone who knows us, knows just how much we hate to fly, but the flights were excellent. They were smooth, on time and with no lost luggage. It was an all day flight and when we got there we were exhausted but happy. The ship was beautiful and we loved our room with the balcony. So on day 1 in Honolulu everything went well.
Day 2- everything ...went...bad. I guess because of all of the steroids I am on and because I was on the plane for so long, fluid collected on my knees. I was in EXTREME pain. I mean on the 1-10 scale I would say it was an 8. At one point I sent the girls out on the balcony because I just couldn't stand for them to watch me cry anymore. I thought the trip was ruined. As soon as we could, we got on the free shopping shuttle to of all places, Wal Mart. That's right, we went all the way to Hilo, Hawaii to go to Wal Mart and load up on motrin. We spent the afternoon with the kids swimming at the ship while I popped motrin with Mai Tai's. Go ahead, judge me if you want, you'd done the same if you were in that much pain. I kept my knees up the rest of the trip, even at night and didn't have any more problems. Thank you, Jesus. I felt okay enough that night that we went out to eat and saw the onboard entertainment.
Day 3 and 4- Maui. We woke up that morning to whales outside our balcony. What a sight! This is the time of year that they are traveling through so it was a special treat. We ended up spending our days is Maui at the beach. We wanted to take it easy since we didn't know how I would feel. The beach we went to was very posh. A private beach that the Travel Channel named the best beach in the world for 2006. It was lovely and the sand was like baby powder. We saw some more whales off shore jumping out of the water. Wow!! Again, every night we had a great dinner on board and saw the cruise line entertainment before collapsing into bed.
Day 5- Kona. This is a wonderful port. Very touristy. We shopped til we dropped. Kona is known for their very rich and expensive coffee.
Day 6- Kaua'i. Known as the garden island I wanted to be sure to see some of the lushness. We took a trip up the Wailua River to Fern Grotto. It was a beautiful sight to see. It was filled with tropical plants and waterfalls. By that afternoon it started to become obvious that maybe I was pushing it too hard. I ended up falling twice. Once down a flight of stairs. Thank goodness I didn't get hurt and only my family saw it happen. The second time was in front of a whole tour bus of people who rang out together in a collective gasp. As I lay there on the floor of the bus I realized I was even too weak to get up. Rob and a couple of tourists literally had to pick me up. I quickly brushed off my backside and my pride and took my seat. I mean what else are ya gonna do? Anyway, we were headed for and old Hawaiian plantation were we saw an authentic Hawaiian Lu'au. We had a blast! All of the food and music were good and I loved the fire dancers the best.
Day 7- We had another day in Kaua'i and in light of my exhaustion we decided to do another beach day so I could relax. Again the beach was beautiful and secluded. We got the treat of seeing a sea turtle come to shore. She was huge! Rob also got a little snorkling in and saw some cool fish. That afternoon I rested in the cabin while the kids swam on deck.
Last day- Pearl Harbor. They do a wondeful presentation at Pearl Harbor. I am so glad that my kids got to see and learn this bit of history. We also got to take a city tour of Honolulu before being taken to the airport.
I would just like to thank again the anonymous people form St. Elizabeth's who took up this collection so we could actually do this trip. I had been saving for a trip just like this but medical bills quickly swept that away. I can't tell you what it means to me that I am leaving a positve memory of me and this trip with my kids and Rob. Words cannot express how grateful I am. May God bless you all!!
We made it back from Hawaii in one piece and it was a trip of a lifetime! Anyone who knows us, knows just how much we hate to fly, but the flights were excellent. They were smooth, on time and with no lost luggage. It was an all day flight and when we got there we were exhausted but happy. The ship was beautiful and we loved our room with the balcony. So on day 1 in Honolulu everything went well.
Day 2- everything ...went...bad. I guess because of all of the steroids I am on and because I was on the plane for so long, fluid collected on my knees. I was in EXTREME pain. I mean on the 1-10 scale I would say it was an 8. At one point I sent the girls out on the balcony because I just couldn't stand for them to watch me cry anymore. I thought the trip was ruined. As soon as we could, we got on the free shopping shuttle to of all places, Wal Mart. That's right, we went all the way to Hilo, Hawaii to go to Wal Mart and load up on motrin. We spent the afternoon with the kids swimming at the ship while I popped motrin with Mai Tai's. Go ahead, judge me if you want, you'd done the same if you were in that much pain. I kept my knees up the rest of the trip, even at night and didn't have any more problems. Thank you, Jesus. I felt okay enough that night that we went out to eat and saw the onboard entertainment.
Day 3 and 4- Maui. We woke up that morning to whales outside our balcony. What a sight! This is the time of year that they are traveling through so it was a special treat. We ended up spending our days is Maui at the beach. We wanted to take it easy since we didn't know how I would feel. The beach we went to was very posh. A private beach that the Travel Channel named the best beach in the world for 2006. It was lovely and the sand was like baby powder. We saw some more whales off shore jumping out of the water. Wow!! Again, every night we had a great dinner on board and saw the cruise line entertainment before collapsing into bed.
Day 5- Kona. This is a wonderful port. Very touristy. We shopped til we dropped. Kona is known for their very rich and expensive coffee.
Day 6- Kaua'i. Known as the garden island I wanted to be sure to see some of the lushness. We took a trip up the Wailua River to Fern Grotto. It was a beautiful sight to see. It was filled with tropical plants and waterfalls. By that afternoon it started to become obvious that maybe I was pushing it too hard. I ended up falling twice. Once down a flight of stairs. Thank goodness I didn't get hurt and only my family saw it happen. The second time was in front of a whole tour bus of people who rang out together in a collective gasp. As I lay there on the floor of the bus I realized I was even too weak to get up. Rob and a couple of tourists literally had to pick me up. I quickly brushed off my backside and my pride and took my seat. I mean what else are ya gonna do? Anyway, we were headed for and old Hawaiian plantation were we saw an authentic Hawaiian Lu'au. We had a blast! All of the food and music were good and I loved the fire dancers the best.
Day 7- We had another day in Kaua'i and in light of my exhaustion we decided to do another beach day so I could relax. Again the beach was beautiful and secluded. We got the treat of seeing a sea turtle come to shore. She was huge! Rob also got a little snorkling in and saw some cool fish. That afternoon I rested in the cabin while the kids swam on deck.
Last day- Pearl Harbor. They do a wondeful presentation at Pearl Harbor. I am so glad that my kids got to see and learn this bit of history. We also got to take a city tour of Honolulu before being taken to the airport.
I would just like to thank again the anonymous people form St. Elizabeth's who took up this collection so we could actually do this trip. I had been saving for a trip just like this but medical bills quickly swept that away. I can't tell you what it means to me that I am leaving a positve memory of me and this trip with my kids and Rob. Words cannot express how grateful I am. May God bless you all!!
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Barry Bonds and I
Barry Bonds and I have a lot in common these days. We both use steroids. He, to improve his baseball performance. Me, to shrink my ever swelling brain. I have found in the process some strking similarities between Barry Bonds and I. For example: Barry is crankie with the media. I am crankie with my family. Barry has big, fat, puffy muscles. I have a big, fat, puffy face. Barry works up a sweat fighting the opposing team. I work up the nightsweats fighting off insomnia. Yep, Barry Bonds and I -we're practically twins! How does he do it year after year? Only weeks in for me and I'm going crazy I fear!
Monday, March 3, 2008
Postscript
After writing my letter to Paul I felt the need to express just exactly who I am angry with. I am not angry at God. I do not blame the Almighty Father, but rather the Father of Lies. God is not the author of cancer. Cancer and other diseases are a result of living in a fallen world. Yes, He is Sovereign and has allowed this into my life, but I know to the core of my being that He is good. While I don't always understand I will choose to walk by faith and not by sight. I know He uses ALL things to work according to His good purpose and that He is making me more like His Son through this painful process. Thanks for listening.
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