Embracing Letting Go

I've turned a corner in my thinking. Yesterday was the 6 week mark of the gamma knife surgery and it has become painfully obvious to me that it didn't work. I think the tumor tunrned into scar tissue. They told me that there was that possibility. I don't think it is a tumor anymore but still there is a foreign object in my brain that causes me to be miserable. I know that 2 out of my 3 doctors told me that if it did turn to scar tissue they would have to manually remove it. REAL brain surgery. The radialogist hasn't said that yet, so maybe she still has something up her sleeve. Either way I have always known that doctors were never going to be able to cure me. I mean come on, I am stage 4 with a grade 3 tumor, the most aggressive level. I always knew that all they could do was buy me time. When it got to my brain I thought well, everytime a tumor pops up we will just zap that puppy and buy me some time in between. But it has become obvious to me that that isn't even going to occur anymore and they are not going to pop my head open everytime another one shows up. If I receive any remission at all or any miraculous healing it is ALL God.

As you can imagine this realization has had quite an impact on my mind. One night last week as the thoughts raced through my still sterioded out mind, I began to get some chest pain. No matter what I did the pain remained. I became more and more angry at God for allowing me to suffer so. Then the most bizarre thing happened. I ended up putting on my favorite worship CD (on headphones because it was 1:00 in the morning) and I began to cuss God out. I was bawling, begging, pleading and quite frankly calling God every obsenity in the book. I've had heart wrenching prayers before, but this was the rawest I had ever been before him. Just as the Bible describes Jacob wrestling with God, He and I were going to have it out and believe me I let Him have it. The names I called Him, the things I said to the Creator of the Universe were absolutley apalling and all the while I have this beautiful worship CD singing his praises in my ear. When I finally collapsed in total exhaustion I fully expected remorse and the Spirit to tell me that it was time to confess and ask for forgiveness for my horrible behavior, but do you know what happened? I felt a complete wave of love sweep over me. A love so powerful I cannot describe it in words. I knew then that my behavior was one of those stripes on his back, one of the really deep ones that he took before going to the cross and that He took that stripe joyfully! Joyfully! I didn't deserve this all consuming love that He was pouring out on me and yet there was absolutley no judgment what so ever for what I had just done!! I began praising Him and thanking Him for letiing me behave so horribly with out any judgement. He is amazing!!

Recently I learned a little histoy about Cortes. After sailing across the ocean and reaching their destination the men were tired and wanted to go home. Cortes burned all of there ships so they would have no choice but to be committed to the cause. I have felt this same way from God, like He has burned all of my ships and that I what other choice do I have, but do you know what? Now that I have experienced His overpowering love and forgiveness I want to stay on this island. On my other island there was fear- there is no longer any fear only his overpowering presence. Don't get me wrong, there is still some dread, but I like to think of it as a woman in labor. Labor is hard, painful and there is a lot of suffering, but when it is over you are so flooded with love you don't remember. I think death is probably the same way. It is hard, painful, and there is a lot so suffering, but when all is said and done the love is so complete and overwhelming you won't even remember. I'm still praying for my miracle. Maybe I will get it, maybe I won't. But with a love like this, how could His answer to my prayers be wrong? Praise His holy name!!!