As most of you know, within 24 hours of announcing my remission I had a major setback. The chemotherapy has eaten through some of the lining of my nose and as a result I had a MASSIVE nose bleed. It was like a faucet! It took 16 hours, a trip to the emergency room and several trips to an ENT to get it under control. The Dr. ended up packing my nose with several differnt packs over a 9 day period. These packs are amazingly huge. When he was coming at me with them I kept thinking there in NO way that huge thing is going to fit in my face. To say the least it was very uncomfortable. If the packs didn't work I was going to have to have surgery to cauterize the lining of my nose. This was a big concern because the chemo was not allowing my body to heal properly. I still have an unhealed wound from a surgery I had last October if that is any indication on how slow my body is healing at the moment. Yesterday I had the final pack removed. Ouch! I was totally expecting my brain to pop out of my nose and land smack on my lap! Everything so far has gone great. No bleeding, but I am still on high alert for a couple more weeks. I'm not allowed to do any housework ( darn). And I still have to sleep sitting up in a recliner. A small price to pay for saving my nose. I want to sincerely thank everyone for your prayers during all of this. I KNOW it made a big difference. Which brings me to why would God allow this to happen in the first place? Instead of jumping up and down and yelling yipee at my remission news I was miserable and pumped up on happy pills. I don't have the answers but still I trust His decision to allow this setback. I think it just makes me all the happier that I am now on my way towards a more normal life and towards healing.
I am going to take some time off from blogging for a while. I hope it has made you think about what is important and what is not. I hope it has made you ask yourself what you really believe about Him and his goodness. I know this has been very therapeutic for me. I may be back later and I may not. It depends on Him and how He leads me, because the Father really does know best!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Praise Report!
Last night I got the good news. My PET scan came back clean, I am officially in remission! God is good!!!! I was totally shocked because the last CT scan I had in November showed that the tumor had shrunk very little since I had stopped radiation treatments in July, so to get the message that the tumor was totally gone was surprising. Wow, it's kinda weird to not have a tumor. I don't think I ever shared my tumor's name with you before. Its name was M_ _ _ _ _ F_ _ _ _ _. I haven't shared the name in the past for obvious reasons. I didn't name it, I would just hear this voice in my head at my radiation treatments that said," Die, M_ _ _ _ _ F_ _ _ _ _ ,die!" So that is how I found out it's name. It seemed appropriate seeing as how I am a mother and all and it was well, you know, F'ing up ,my life. But now he is gone!
Anyway, I give God the glory! I figure at worse this news means I have been bought more time, and at best it could be the beginning of a miracle. I'll take either gift because both are precious! I know that the many prayers that all of you have sent up for me have made a tremendous difference and I thank each and every one of you! I love you guys!
Below I've personalized this Psalm:
Oh Lord, I rejoice in your strength.
How great is my joy in the victories you give!
You have granted me the desire of my heart
and have not withheld the request of my lips.
You welcome me with rich blessings
and place a crown of pure gold on my head.
I asked you for life and you gave it to me-
length of days, for ever and ever.
Through the victories you gave, my glory is great;
you have bestowed on me splendor and majesty.
Surely you have granted me eternal blessings
and made me glad with the joy of your presence.
For I trust in the Lord;
through the unfailing love of the Most High
I will not be shaken.
Psalm 21:1-7
Anyway, I give God the glory! I figure at worse this news means I have been bought more time, and at best it could be the beginning of a miracle. I'll take either gift because both are precious! I know that the many prayers that all of you have sent up for me have made a tremendous difference and I thank each and every one of you! I love you guys!
Below I've personalized this Psalm:
Oh Lord, I rejoice in your strength.
How great is my joy in the victories you give!
You have granted me the desire of my heart
and have not withheld the request of my lips.
You welcome me with rich blessings
and place a crown of pure gold on my head.
I asked you for life and you gave it to me-
length of days, for ever and ever.
Through the victories you gave, my glory is great;
you have bestowed on me splendor and majesty.
Surely you have granted me eternal blessings
and made me glad with the joy of your presence.
For I trust in the Lord;
through the unfailing love of the Most High
I will not be shaken.
Psalm 21:1-7
Monday, January 21, 2008
Dolphins
Sometimes when I am feeling down and I am feeling like God doesn't really care about me or doesn't seem to be listening to my prayers, I remember the dolphins. Every year we visit the Jersey Shore because Rob's family has a beach house there. It is one of my favorite places on earth. Not only because of the sand and the surf, but because of all of the great family memories there. One of my favorite things I like to do at the beach is run in the morning. I love how the cool damp air fills my lungs. Unfortunately, I can't run on the beach because I find it to be too hard on my knees, so I run around the streets of the island and then walk back on the beach. This is my reward, my favorite time of day. I love walking along the beach with hardly a soul around. The orange glints of the newly risen sun dance on the waves. I love making the first footprints on the machined combed sand and then race down to the waters edge so that each salty wave can lick my ankles.
Several years ago I was finishing up my run and was heading toward a beach entrance. As I headed up the street I suddenly found myself praying, "God, thrill me today. I want to see some dolphins." Now I don't know what possessed me to pray such a thing. I was definitley not in the habit for praying for something so frivilous. I easily dismissed the idea stating that I should have prayed this prayer before leaving the house so I could have given God time to "set it up". But just then I heard His spirit say to me in my heart that He knows what my prayer is going to be before I do.
I took off my shoes and socks and began the climb up over the dunes and down to the beach and there they were! 3 of them! Playing and frolicking in the water. Now in my 10 years of going to the beach I had heard that dolphins are seen from time to time, but I had never seen them! I was so overjoyed and overwhelmed with emotion that I flung my arms outward and cried,"Praise you, Jesus!" .....It was then that I noticed the lone fisherman standing not 10 feet away from me. Any burst of emotion in front of a complete stranger is extremely uncomfortable for me, so I stood there horrified. His face showed no condemnation what so ever, he was just grinning from ear to ear. "Yea," he said,"They're pretty cool. They've been hanging out over there for the last 5 minutes just playing." What did he say? Were those dolphins waiting on me? I mumble something unitelligible to the man and begin my walk up the beach to home. And do you know what? Those dolphins followed me! All the way up the beach. They didn't go too fast and they didn't go too slow. Their grey bodies undulating in and out of the water and gliding with the greatest of ease. Beautiful!
When I got to my stop they gently continued on. I watched them until I could see them no more. And as they were swimming away I think about how God loves me. It was something I always knew but this gift, this incredible gift was always going to hold a special place in my heart. Jesus loves me, this I know, through his Son, through his Word, and yes even through the dolphins He told me so.
Several years ago I was finishing up my run and was heading toward a beach entrance. As I headed up the street I suddenly found myself praying, "God, thrill me today. I want to see some dolphins." Now I don't know what possessed me to pray such a thing. I was definitley not in the habit for praying for something so frivilous. I easily dismissed the idea stating that I should have prayed this prayer before leaving the house so I could have given God time to "set it up". But just then I heard His spirit say to me in my heart that He knows what my prayer is going to be before I do.
I took off my shoes and socks and began the climb up over the dunes and down to the beach and there they were! 3 of them! Playing and frolicking in the water. Now in my 10 years of going to the beach I had heard that dolphins are seen from time to time, but I had never seen them! I was so overjoyed and overwhelmed with emotion that I flung my arms outward and cried,"Praise you, Jesus!" .....It was then that I noticed the lone fisherman standing not 10 feet away from me. Any burst of emotion in front of a complete stranger is extremely uncomfortable for me, so I stood there horrified. His face showed no condemnation what so ever, he was just grinning from ear to ear. "Yea," he said,"They're pretty cool. They've been hanging out over there for the last 5 minutes just playing." What did he say? Were those dolphins waiting on me? I mumble something unitelligible to the man and begin my walk up the beach to home. And do you know what? Those dolphins followed me! All the way up the beach. They didn't go too fast and they didn't go too slow. Their grey bodies undulating in and out of the water and gliding with the greatest of ease. Beautiful!
When I got to my stop they gently continued on. I watched them until I could see them no more. And as they were swimming away I think about how God loves me. It was something I always knew but this gift, this incredible gift was always going to hold a special place in my heart. Jesus loves me, this I know, through his Son, through his Word, and yes even through the dolphins He told me so.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Thank you, God
Good Morning God. I just wanted to thank you for this wonderful morning and this wonderful day you have blessed me with. Maybe it is cold outside and I will get to walk in the freshness that cool mornings bring. Or maybe it is warm outside and I will get to feel the warm sun on my face. Thank you God that today I get to clean the toilets and do the laundry. Yeah, I know I've complained about that in the past and I am sorry. I just want to thank you that I have the energy to do that today. I thank you God that today I can taste my food and that this chemo drug doesnt' seem to be making everying taste like metal. I love tasting all the great food you have provided for us. I thank you God that my hair is growing back in so that I can wear a ballcap instead of a wig. I thank you God that my hair is falling out so now shaving my legs is no longer on my to do list. I thank you God when my kids behave like they should and I enjoy them and their laughter. Thank you God when they misbehave and I know that I am still needed. Thank you for zipping hummingbirds, babbling brooks,warm blankets, wonderful friends and a loving husband. Thank you for the sunrise and the sunset. You're awesome. Amen.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Demons
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms...Ephesians 6:11-12
I've known from the very beginning of this journey that my true struggle was not going to be physical. My real enemy was not the cancer, but rather THE enemy himself. Those first few months of realization of just what the future may have in store for me was the lowest period of my life. And yet the funny thing is when people asked me how I was doing the greatest I would venture to tell them was I was "a little blue". Wow, now that's an understatement! In reality during those first few months I was under complete attack. Night time was the worse. I could do well during the daylight hours. In fact at that time I believe that I over extended myself in busyness just to escape my mind. But nighttime, nighttime is a different story. The kids would be asleep, and everything would start to settle and I could literally feel an oppressiveness come over me. It was a physical feeling that I knew stemmed from the spiritual world. I could even see a darkness out of the corner of my eyes. A darkness that I knew was going to envelope me.
I can see why now some people when encountered with some great devastation in their lives can become addicted to alcohol or pain killers. There was a part of me that was grateful for the great amount of pain I was in because I had a good excuse to use the painkillers. I must admit, not only did it dull the physical pain, it also dulled the demons in my head.
It wasn't until I decided to let God be in charge (see blog titled "It's Still Not About Me" ) that I found the strength to fight this. This strength was not of my own, but of God. I put on that Belt of Truth; that no weapon formed against me shall prevail. I put on the Breastplate of Righteousness and understood that if God is on my side who can be against me? The Boots of Peace in knowing that God can and will give me a peace beyond all understanding. The Shield of Faith: faith that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans for a hope and a future. The Helmet of Salvation that would protect my mind from the whisperings of the enemy and all his lies. And finally, the Sword of the Spirit, the very Word of God that can bring me comfort in all circumstances.
The demons have left the building...yet I know they still lurk, waiting for a chance to pounce.
I'm dressed and ready for them.
I've known from the very beginning of this journey that my true struggle was not going to be physical. My real enemy was not the cancer, but rather THE enemy himself. Those first few months of realization of just what the future may have in store for me was the lowest period of my life. And yet the funny thing is when people asked me how I was doing the greatest I would venture to tell them was I was "a little blue". Wow, now that's an understatement! In reality during those first few months I was under complete attack. Night time was the worse. I could do well during the daylight hours. In fact at that time I believe that I over extended myself in busyness just to escape my mind. But nighttime, nighttime is a different story. The kids would be asleep, and everything would start to settle and I could literally feel an oppressiveness come over me. It was a physical feeling that I knew stemmed from the spiritual world. I could even see a darkness out of the corner of my eyes. A darkness that I knew was going to envelope me.
I can see why now some people when encountered with some great devastation in their lives can become addicted to alcohol or pain killers. There was a part of me that was grateful for the great amount of pain I was in because I had a good excuse to use the painkillers. I must admit, not only did it dull the physical pain, it also dulled the demons in my head.
It wasn't until I decided to let God be in charge (see blog titled "It's Still Not About Me" ) that I found the strength to fight this. This strength was not of my own, but of God. I put on that Belt of Truth; that no weapon formed against me shall prevail. I put on the Breastplate of Righteousness and understood that if God is on my side who can be against me? The Boots of Peace in knowing that God can and will give me a peace beyond all understanding. The Shield of Faith: faith that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans for a hope and a future. The Helmet of Salvation that would protect my mind from the whisperings of the enemy and all his lies. And finally, the Sword of the Spirit, the very Word of God that can bring me comfort in all circumstances.
The demons have left the building...yet I know they still lurk, waiting for a chance to pounce.
I'm dressed and ready for them.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Guilt
Guilt.
Guilt over being sick.
Guilt over making my family sad.
Guilt for leaving my daughters too soon.
Guilt for leaving my husband alone with two teenage girls to raise.
Guilt for the financial stress this disease brings.
Guilt for the emotional stress it brings.
Guilt that future celebrations like my daughters' weddings will have a touch of sadness to them.
Guilt for the fear that this has put in my childrens' hearts. I know they watch and wonder if their futures will hold the same sufferings.
Guilt that I may have given them the gene that WILL cause them to suffer.
Guilt.
Guilt over being sick.
Guilt over making my family sad.
Guilt for leaving my daughters too soon.
Guilt for leaving my husband alone with two teenage girls to raise.
Guilt for the financial stress this disease brings.
Guilt for the emotional stress it brings.
Guilt that future celebrations like my daughters' weddings will have a touch of sadness to them.
Guilt for the fear that this has put in my childrens' hearts. I know they watch and wonder if their futures will hold the same sufferings.
Guilt that I may have given them the gene that WILL cause them to suffer.
Guilt.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Vegan, shmeegan
Okay, it finally happened. I've turned into one of THOSE people. You know who I'm talking about. Those super cancer survivors that you only see on TV that spend all of there days drinking kale juice and doing yoga. Granted the tranfomation isn't complete. I mean how can it be for someone who has only being doing this for 14 days, 13 hours and 55 minutes? Not that I am counting.
So I am now a vegan. For those out there who don't know the difference between vegans and vegetarians, vegans eat no animal products whatsoever. That includes my beloved cheese. I have also given up sugar and white flour products. The sugar withdrawals have been fierce. Talk about cranky. But I think I am over that now and the wounds that I have inflicted on my husband and children seem to be healing up nicely.
So what do you eat you ask. Well, this morning I had a banana, blackberries, and trail mix which I washed down with some good ol' OJ. For lunch, a salad with all sorts of goodies and a bell pepper burrito on a whole flour tortilla complete with humus and salsa (but sadly no cheese). Tonight I am having some kind of grapefruit and endive salad. Suprisingly it is all yummy and so far I don't seem to be losing weight. Good to know since I weigh all of 100 pounds soaking wet. Which brings me to my next subject...dieting. I have never been on a diet in my life. I know, I know you hate me for it. I've heard it all my life, but now I know why it is such a struggle. I can honestly say that I don't remember my dreams, but lately I have had very vivid dreams about food. I wake in the morning and if I hesitate before opening my eyes I can still taste the steak and the fudge chocolate ice cream. Ahhh, divine. But then I get up and all is lost. Don't get my wrong, I don't plan to skip the cake and ice cream on my Birthday, no tofu turkey for me at Thanksgiving. I will let it slide on those special days, but all of the rest of the time I will be a strict vegan......Man, I can't wait until the Super Bowl.
So I am now a vegan. For those out there who don't know the difference between vegans and vegetarians, vegans eat no animal products whatsoever. That includes my beloved cheese. I have also given up sugar and white flour products. The sugar withdrawals have been fierce. Talk about cranky. But I think I am over that now and the wounds that I have inflicted on my husband and children seem to be healing up nicely.
So what do you eat you ask. Well, this morning I had a banana, blackberries, and trail mix which I washed down with some good ol' OJ. For lunch, a salad with all sorts of goodies and a bell pepper burrito on a whole flour tortilla complete with humus and salsa (but sadly no cheese). Tonight I am having some kind of grapefruit and endive salad. Suprisingly it is all yummy and so far I don't seem to be losing weight. Good to know since I weigh all of 100 pounds soaking wet. Which brings me to my next subject...dieting. I have never been on a diet in my life. I know, I know you hate me for it. I've heard it all my life, but now I know why it is such a struggle. I can honestly say that I don't remember my dreams, but lately I have had very vivid dreams about food. I wake in the morning and if I hesitate before opening my eyes I can still taste the steak and the fudge chocolate ice cream. Ahhh, divine. But then I get up and all is lost. Don't get my wrong, I don't plan to skip the cake and ice cream on my Birthday, no tofu turkey for me at Thanksgiving. I will let it slide on those special days, but all of the rest of the time I will be a strict vegan......Man, I can't wait until the Super Bowl.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)