Dear Paul,
I pulled out our 3rd grade class picture the other day. You know the kind where we are all on the risers in our bad haircuts and our 1970's clothing. You were there with your classic crooked grin, and I? Well, I looked a little like my youngest. We weren't friends then... cooties and all. But over time you became my dear friend.
I don't remember ever being told that you had Muscular Dystrophy, a disease that would slowly rot away your muscles and take you at an early age. Maybe I figured it out from your slightly slurred speech or your awkward gait; a gait I seem to be emulating more and more these days. I admired you for your willingness to do anything. I would watch you out on the marching field; your skinny legs barely able to carry the snare drums attached to your chest. Or how about the time you defied the doctors and went skiing? Of course maybe that was a bad idea seeing as how you ended up in traction. Still, I admired you for not stopping for anything.
But, Paul, I have a confession...I also judged you. There were times that you were angry that you had to deal with your disease, that you would never be normal. I didn't want to hear that, I wanted you to have a positive outlook all the time. I get you now. Sometimes I am angry that my life is not normal and thrown into turmoil. You were angry that you never had kids, and while the Lord has blessed me with my girls I want more. I want weddings. I want grandbabies. In fact, it is my ONLY dream now. And I am angry. You died at the age of 28 and while I so far have 12years on you I know that I am too young to be dealing with the issues and emotions that I am. And I am angry.
I'm sorry, Paul. Please forgive me. I didn't know...I didn't know.
6 comments:
Thank you so much for writing this. Oh how we all judge those whose pain we don't understand at some point or another. May this be a reminder to love...especially when we don't understand...with His supernatural love!
K, I am just now catching up on your posts since January! I am starting to pray for you tonight! I can't wait to see where God is going to take you through this difficult season! I wish there was more I could do....
Much too familiar, but not the same. Two different diseases, but it is two different diseases that both will take so much from the families. Pauls disease took his father and his brother and will likely effect any males born into their family. Yours has effected you and your mom and I am certain other woman along the lines and can likely effect your girls as well. How strange this world is we live in that two things so opposite can be so close. I miss Paul and I hated that he died so young, but I am so glad that he experienced all that he could and sometimes probably more than he should have. And likewise I hope for you that you will experience all that you can and more than you probably should. This is my wish for you Staci.
Love You, Julie
I played t-ball with Paul, the Will Rogers Tigers. I never really thought much about the way he ran. My mom says watching him try to make first on a single hit was difficult to watch with a parent's understanding. As Julie mentioned, Paul got more out of life than most 'healthy' folks. He took honors in the 8th grade Sand Springs Hickey Event and had to wear a turtle neck the next day; it was late spring. He sold me his drums when he couldn't play anymore. He was truly one of my closest friends growing up. I had trouble staying in touch after I got married and moved to CA. I know JB was with him through the worst of the sh--. For all his Izzy-ness he had an incredible outlook. I think of him often.
I know you were thinking about Paul in relation to your situation but, you sparked a sentimental journey that seems to be more present as I reflect on the important things one has in life. God, family, friends. Paul had those and so do you.
I hope the healing is progressing. You remain in our prayers.
God, friends, family... true, they are the most important and things that many people never experience positively. but, I bet time was frequently on Paul's mind as I am sure it is on yours.
I am very much laughing about that hicky event what a memory that was!!! I'm not sure how I would feel if one of my kids came home from somewhere w/ that on his/her neck. but I do laugh about our fun.
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