This is going to be my last blog for 2007. It is Christmas break and we are staying busy as so many of you are. Plus Brianna is home and we are both fighting for the use of the computer.
This as been a tough year for us despite its "lucky" number. Rob's Dad passed away in the beginning of January. This has left a hole in the family and had forced us to adjust to a new normal. Then we got the news about my recurrence in May. The force of emotions that sweep over you with this type of news is almost primal. It is scary to know that you can hurt that much. But, this year has also been a year of blessings. I am once again blessed to have so many friends that love and care about me. I am blessed to have this illness so that they feel compelled to show me that love without reservations.
I was blessed to once again see my little Kaitlin get up in front of the entire school and belt out a song. Yeah, I admit I get a little puffed up with pride when I hear her sing. I was blessed to see her become a little spitfire of a basketball player. Even though she is the shortest one out there, she is constantly stealing the ball and making baskets for her team. I was blessed to be able to answer or try to answer the billions and billions of questions she constantly throws my way.
I was blessed to see my beautiful Brianna become an absolutley incredible volleyball player. To see her dive after every ball and play with such passion is totally exciting. Her team came in first in the OKC division. The finals of their last tournament was a nail biter, but they won with Brianna scoring the winning point. Rob did a wonderful job as their coach. I am also blessed to see her slowly turn into part little girl part young woman. She is growing up to be such a beautiful lady, not only on the outside, but also on the inside.
I was blessed to have Rob walk through this with me. It has been a difficult year for him. He was very close to his Dad, but we have traveled this journey together. I have been blessed to know that we can survive anything that comes our way. In the show Evita, Eva Peron is sick and nearing death. Her husband is valiantly by her side throughout. She sings a song that I have always liked called "You Must Love Me." It speaks of how she is surprised at the strength he shows and how she is comforted by that strength. This is how Rob has blessed me.
I am blessed to have deeper understanding of God and who He is and how He will see me through anything. I am blessed to learn more about myself, about who I am and what I can overcome. I am blessed to get a clearer view of this life and just how precious it is.
2007 has been a struggle but I have become a better person because of it and I know that no matter what the Lord has planned for me in 2008. it will ultimately be a blessing too.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
The Wheelbarrow
A friend shared a wonderful story the other day that went something like this.
At the turn of the century there was a world renown tightwalker. His latest stunt was to cross Niagra Falls on a tightrope. He crosses the falls on this wet and slippery rope with the greatest of ease even as the powerful waterfall crashes and threatens from below. When he reaches the far side, the crowd goes wild. The thightrope walker then announces that he will now cross the tightrope pushing his manager in a wheelbarrow. The crowd is nervously hushed as they watch the stuntman cross the thundering falls with his mananger in nothing but a wheelbarrow. As they reach the other side the crowd goes utterly crazy, their applause and cheers rival the sound of the falls. At that moment, the rope walker asks if there are any volunteers willing to cross in the wheelbarrow with him.
The crowd instantly goes deadly silent.
Isn't that human nature? Trusting anyone but yourself is a total challenge. I find myself being asked to trust Him over and over again. But I am finding that He is trustworthy.
I had an appointment yesterday with my oncologist and I feel extrememly encouraged. I don't know why. CT scans are kinda suggesting that the chemo may not be working. We can't know for sure because even though the scan shows something still in my chest about the size of a golfball, it is behind my breastbone and can't be reached for biopsy. We have decided to finsh up chemo at the end of January and then, well... wait. Just wait and see what happens. Will it grow and prove to be remaining tumor or will it just sit there? I don't know, but for some reason I have a peace that transcends all understanding. I am in the wheelbarrow and the water is crashing underneath me, but I know that somehow, someway, we will reach the other side.
At the turn of the century there was a world renown tightwalker. His latest stunt was to cross Niagra Falls on a tightrope. He crosses the falls on this wet and slippery rope with the greatest of ease even as the powerful waterfall crashes and threatens from below. When he reaches the far side, the crowd goes wild. The thightrope walker then announces that he will now cross the tightrope pushing his manager in a wheelbarrow. The crowd is nervously hushed as they watch the stuntman cross the thundering falls with his mananger in nothing but a wheelbarrow. As they reach the other side the crowd goes utterly crazy, their applause and cheers rival the sound of the falls. At that moment, the rope walker asks if there are any volunteers willing to cross in the wheelbarrow with him.
The crowd instantly goes deadly silent.
Isn't that human nature? Trusting anyone but yourself is a total challenge. I find myself being asked to trust Him over and over again. But I am finding that He is trustworthy.
I had an appointment yesterday with my oncologist and I feel extrememly encouraged. I don't know why. CT scans are kinda suggesting that the chemo may not be working. We can't know for sure because even though the scan shows something still in my chest about the size of a golfball, it is behind my breastbone and can't be reached for biopsy. We have decided to finsh up chemo at the end of January and then, well... wait. Just wait and see what happens. Will it grow and prove to be remaining tumor or will it just sit there? I don't know, but for some reason I have a peace that transcends all understanding. I am in the wheelbarrow and the water is crashing underneath me, but I know that somehow, someway, we will reach the other side.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
It's A Wonderful Life
When I was first diagnosed in 2004 I wasn't really all that scared. Cancer runs strong in my family so it was almost like a rite of passage. I had caught this cancer early (stage 1) and it was just going to be a painful nuissance more than anything else. I thought if I did everything right (do the chemo, get the surgeries) that everything would be just fine and I would live the rest of my life cancer free. It would be just a major bump in the road of my life. But even with this mentality, it did make me stop and think about my life and where it was going. I felt compelled to make a life list. This list consisted of three catagories: What I want to do, What I want to learn, and Where I want to go. My list consisted of things like do a ropes course, learn the violin, and travel to Italy. Just like George Bailey on It's A Wonderful Life, I felt like those were the things that made you someone. I've always loved that movie and understood it's message, but this year it seemed to strike a deeper cord in me. George always felt like the only way he could ever make any difference in the world was to travel extensively and do great things like build skyscrapers and bridges. He often felt very insignificant in his tiny little town of Bedford Falls.
I understand that. Don't we all want to feel like we've left the world a better place? How can I make any difference here in Edmond, OK? How can being "just a housewife" be important? When I was first diagnosed with this recurrence, again I was mad at God because it seemed like I wasn't allowed to dream. Violin playing and ropes courses were out of the question because of the pain I had in my shoulder and chest. Traveling was no longer a possibility because our savings had been sucked dry to pay for medical expenses. But in the midst of this I found out what George did. It wasn't the trips or the actitvities that make you significant. It is the people and realtionships that matter. I would like to think that I have had an influence on the many students that I have taught over the years. That they are not only better musicians but better people because of me. I would like to think that I have helped friends in times of trouble. That I have offered a sympathetic ear or a timely bit of advice. I know that I have had a profound infuence on my girls. How will my mark on them influence the future generations of my family? Maybe just like George, I HAVE made my part of the world a better place. These are the real treasures of our lives. Not whether we excelled at work or gained notoriety. It's not where we've traveled or what we've done that is all important, it's how we've loved.
I still would love to do the things on my list, but they don't have the hold on me that they once did. My friends and family have the true hold on me now. And that has made me the richest gal in town.
I understand that. Don't we all want to feel like we've left the world a better place? How can I make any difference here in Edmond, OK? How can being "just a housewife" be important? When I was first diagnosed with this recurrence, again I was mad at God because it seemed like I wasn't allowed to dream. Violin playing and ropes courses were out of the question because of the pain I had in my shoulder and chest. Traveling was no longer a possibility because our savings had been sucked dry to pay for medical expenses. But in the midst of this I found out what George did. It wasn't the trips or the actitvities that make you significant. It is the people and realtionships that matter. I would like to think that I have had an influence on the many students that I have taught over the years. That they are not only better musicians but better people because of me. I would like to think that I have helped friends in times of trouble. That I have offered a sympathetic ear or a timely bit of advice. I know that I have had a profound infuence on my girls. How will my mark on them influence the future generations of my family? Maybe just like George, I HAVE made my part of the world a better place. These are the real treasures of our lives. Not whether we excelled at work or gained notoriety. It's not where we've traveled or what we've done that is all important, it's how we've loved.
I still would love to do the things on my list, but they don't have the hold on me that they once did. My friends and family have the true hold on me now. And that has made me the richest gal in town.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Life After Birth
I came across this the other day and I just thought I would share it with you.
Once upon a time, twin boys were conceived in the same womb. Weeks passed and the twins developed. As their awareness grew, they laughed for joy: "Isn't it great that we were conceived? Isn't it great to be alive?"
Together the twins explored their world. When they found their mother's cord that gave them life, they sang for joy: "How great is our mother's love that she shares her own life with us!"
As weeks stretched into months the twins noticed how much each was changing. "What does it mean?" asked the one.
"It means that our stay in this word is drawing to an end." said the other one.
"But I don't want to go," said the one. "I want to stay here always."
"We have no choice," said the other. "But maybe there is life after birth!"
"But how can there be?" responded the one. "We will shed our life cord, and how is life possible without it? Besides, we have seen evidence that others were here before us, and none of them have returned to tell us that there is life after birth. No, this is the end."
And so the one fell into deep despair, saying: "If conception ends in birth, what is the purpose of life in the womb? It's meaningless! Maybe there is no mother at all."
"But there has to be," protested the other. "How else did we get here? How do we remain alive?"
"Have you seen our mother?" said the one. "Maybe she lives only in our minds. Maybe we made her up because the idea made us feel good."
And so the last days in the womb were filled with deep questioning and fear. Finally, the moment of birth arrived.
When the twins had passed from their world, they opened their eyes and they cried. For what they saw exceeded their fondest dreams.
-Author Unknown
Once upon a time, twin boys were conceived in the same womb. Weeks passed and the twins developed. As their awareness grew, they laughed for joy: "Isn't it great that we were conceived? Isn't it great to be alive?"
Together the twins explored their world. When they found their mother's cord that gave them life, they sang for joy: "How great is our mother's love that she shares her own life with us!"
As weeks stretched into months the twins noticed how much each was changing. "What does it mean?" asked the one.
"It means that our stay in this word is drawing to an end." said the other one.
"But I don't want to go," said the one. "I want to stay here always."
"We have no choice," said the other. "But maybe there is life after birth!"
"But how can there be?" responded the one. "We will shed our life cord, and how is life possible without it? Besides, we have seen evidence that others were here before us, and none of them have returned to tell us that there is life after birth. No, this is the end."
And so the one fell into deep despair, saying: "If conception ends in birth, what is the purpose of life in the womb? It's meaningless! Maybe there is no mother at all."
"But there has to be," protested the other. "How else did we get here? How do we remain alive?"
"Have you seen our mother?" said the one. "Maybe she lives only in our minds. Maybe we made her up because the idea made us feel good."
And so the last days in the womb were filled with deep questioning and fear. Finally, the moment of birth arrived.
When the twins had passed from their world, they opened their eyes and they cried. For what they saw exceeded their fondest dreams.
-Author Unknown
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Stupid Is Is Stupid Says
I was getting a chemo treatment today and reading one of those many cancer magazines they have lying around the office. I came across an article which discussed stupid things that people say to cancer patients. Some of the things on the list were thoughtless, others I thought were quite innocuous. For example, someone was offended when a friend had told her she was brave. I personally would take that as a compliment. No wonder you guys are afraid to say anything.
This article got me thinking about some of the stupid things people have said to me over the last couple of years. While there are several things, I have compiled a top 5 list.
Number 5- "Stage 4 isn't the last stage, death is." Gee, thanks. At least to this lady's credit she immediatley apologized. I thinks she was trying to lift my spirits by reminding me things could be worse. Just remember, nobody is feeling up and positive 100% of the time. Even people with normal problems aren't always happy so give your friendly cancer patient a break.
Number 4- "I've had the flu for the last three days. Now I know exactly how you feel." Oh you do do you? Are you really comparing having the flu for three days to 7 weeks of radiation (complete with painful shots in the stomach), 14 months of chemotherapy, having your breats amputated, 5 painful surgeries, not to mention hair loss? Tell me, when you were hugging the porcelain god were you mourning the loss of seeing your kids full grown and a sense of being cheated out of grandchildren? Puhleese!
Number 3- "There is no such thing as cancer. The Government, doctors, and pharmaceutical companies are in it together for big business." This woman actually begged me. BEGGED me, not to get treatment. She was still adamant even after I told her that several in my family had died from this "made up" disease. Where do these people come from?
Number 2- This wasn't actually something someone said, but rather a gift a lady had given me. It was a book called Jesus the Healer. This woman, who really is a sweet lady, admitted that she hadn't read it but had like the author. This book basically told me that if I had cancer that it was my own fault. Somewhere in my past I must have committed some heinous sin that I needed to repent of. Also, if I saw a doctor for treatment I completely lacked faith. I should wait on the Divine Physician to heal me. Lesson: Never give out reading material that you haven't read yourself.
And the Number 1 Stupid thing said to me was- "You have been cursed by God. You must pray that off of you and your girls." Cursed by God? Really? I would think God would save his cursings for let's say...Hitler or Jeffery Dahmer. Really? Maybe the book was right. Maybe I am a terrible person who deserves this. Or maybe, just maybe shit happens. No, the Bible even tells us that we are no longer cursed because Jesus became a curse for us when he hung on the tree.
So for all of you out there afraid that I am going to get upset for something you might say, breathe easy, I'm sure I've been told worse.
This article got me thinking about some of the stupid things people have said to me over the last couple of years. While there are several things, I have compiled a top 5 list.
Number 5- "Stage 4 isn't the last stage, death is." Gee, thanks. At least to this lady's credit she immediatley apologized. I thinks she was trying to lift my spirits by reminding me things could be worse. Just remember, nobody is feeling up and positive 100% of the time. Even people with normal problems aren't always happy so give your friendly cancer patient a break.
Number 4- "I've had the flu for the last three days. Now I know exactly how you feel." Oh you do do you? Are you really comparing having the flu for three days to 7 weeks of radiation (complete with painful shots in the stomach), 14 months of chemotherapy, having your breats amputated, 5 painful surgeries, not to mention hair loss? Tell me, when you were hugging the porcelain god were you mourning the loss of seeing your kids full grown and a sense of being cheated out of grandchildren? Puhleese!
Number 3- "There is no such thing as cancer. The Government, doctors, and pharmaceutical companies are in it together for big business." This woman actually begged me. BEGGED me, not to get treatment. She was still adamant even after I told her that several in my family had died from this "made up" disease. Where do these people come from?
Number 2- This wasn't actually something someone said, but rather a gift a lady had given me. It was a book called Jesus the Healer. This woman, who really is a sweet lady, admitted that she hadn't read it but had like the author. This book basically told me that if I had cancer that it was my own fault. Somewhere in my past I must have committed some heinous sin that I needed to repent of. Also, if I saw a doctor for treatment I completely lacked faith. I should wait on the Divine Physician to heal me. Lesson: Never give out reading material that you haven't read yourself.
And the Number 1 Stupid thing said to me was- "You have been cursed by God. You must pray that off of you and your girls." Cursed by God? Really? I would think God would save his cursings for let's say...Hitler or Jeffery Dahmer. Really? Maybe the book was right. Maybe I am a terrible person who deserves this. Or maybe, just maybe shit happens. No, the Bible even tells us that we are no longer cursed because Jesus became a curse for us when he hung on the tree.
So for all of you out there afraid that I am going to get upset for something you might say, breathe easy, I'm sure I've been told worse.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
It's Still Not About Me
The first sentence of Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life says, "It's not about you." This has always been a hard one for me. Actually, anyone who thinks they do not have problems in this area is just kidding themself. Some signs that it is about me is when I get upset when the traffic is too slow. "Why don't they go faster? Don't they know I have somewhere to go?" Or how about the times when one of the kids needs something from me during the great part of a good movie? I either make them wait or begrudgingly do it. Over the years the Lord has shown me my issues in this area and by His grace I have improved tremendously. Traffic doesn't make me crazy like it used to, and I am more likely to see my kids as a ministry rather than an interruption.
When I was first diagnosed with this recurrence of cancer little did I know that I was about to spiritually spiral out of control. I wasn't angry at God for allowing this to happen. I understand that He is in control and that He loves me. What I didn't know was that in a sence I wanted to be my own god in this situation. I was more than willing to go through this if that was His will, but by golly it had better be done my way. Of course I didn't consciously make this decision, it just happened. I expeceted everything else in my life to go smoothly. "No other problems, Lord." My first indication that this wasn't going to be the way of things was when in one weeks time our freezer went out, our roof leaked, and I got a flat tire. Then I became extrememly angry. "Don't I have enough on my plate?!"
As time went on I became more and more resentful that things weren't going the way I thought they should be. The resentment increased. Slowly I felt God pull away from me. The Bible says that the Shepherd will leave the 99 sheep to find the one that is lost. I personally felt like the Shepherd kicked my little sheep butt out in the snow. His presence totally disappeared. I pounded on the gate to get back in until my hands were bloody.
Let me interject here that I don't think we can always rely on our feelings as to whether God is present or not. God is there even when we feel He is not. I think however that this time was different. I have never felt such a loss or confusion about His withdrawal. I feel that God purposely withdrew to get a point across. I wanted to play god and He was going to let me do just that.
Finally I got tired of trying and just walked away. I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. I really feel that I was at a point where I might just walk away from the Truth even though I knew it was the truth. Then I heard God say to my heart that I thougth He owed me. Because of everything I was having to face, He owed me. He made it very clear that He owes me nothing. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." I shall not want what? I shall not want my own way. This was my Gethsemene, was I going to say not my will, but yours be done? What Jesus was able to say in the same breath took me 3 weeks to decide. I finally came to realize that without Him I am so lost that I will self destruct. So I made the choice to follow Him and to trust His plan even if I think His plan is kinda crummy. And in true God form, He tested me on it within the first 24 hours of my decision. I woke up and found that my port was infected and was going to have to be imediately removed. ( A port is a button in your chest that makes receiving chemo treatment easier and less painful because you get to skip those pesky IV's.) I was immediatly put on an IV antibiotic and had an allergic reaction. Because of the infection, removing the port was extremely excrutiating. These are things hat I would have gotten angry at God for allowing. Instead I found myself "lying down in green pastures", and "being led to still waters." Yes, He restored my soul. It's still not about me. I still have times when I feel down or things are a little difficult, but I know that He has "plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans for a hope and a future." I will trust those plans. It's not about me, It IS about Him.
When I was first diagnosed with this recurrence of cancer little did I know that I was about to spiritually spiral out of control. I wasn't angry at God for allowing this to happen. I understand that He is in control and that He loves me. What I didn't know was that in a sence I wanted to be my own god in this situation. I was more than willing to go through this if that was His will, but by golly it had better be done my way. Of course I didn't consciously make this decision, it just happened. I expeceted everything else in my life to go smoothly. "No other problems, Lord." My first indication that this wasn't going to be the way of things was when in one weeks time our freezer went out, our roof leaked, and I got a flat tire. Then I became extrememly angry. "Don't I have enough on my plate?!"
As time went on I became more and more resentful that things weren't going the way I thought they should be. The resentment increased. Slowly I felt God pull away from me. The Bible says that the Shepherd will leave the 99 sheep to find the one that is lost. I personally felt like the Shepherd kicked my little sheep butt out in the snow. His presence totally disappeared. I pounded on the gate to get back in until my hands were bloody.
Let me interject here that I don't think we can always rely on our feelings as to whether God is present or not. God is there even when we feel He is not. I think however that this time was different. I have never felt such a loss or confusion about His withdrawal. I feel that God purposely withdrew to get a point across. I wanted to play god and He was going to let me do just that.
Finally I got tired of trying and just walked away. I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. I really feel that I was at a point where I might just walk away from the Truth even though I knew it was the truth. Then I heard God say to my heart that I thougth He owed me. Because of everything I was having to face, He owed me. He made it very clear that He owes me nothing. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." I shall not want what? I shall not want my own way. This was my Gethsemene, was I going to say not my will, but yours be done? What Jesus was able to say in the same breath took me 3 weeks to decide. I finally came to realize that without Him I am so lost that I will self destruct. So I made the choice to follow Him and to trust His plan even if I think His plan is kinda crummy. And in true God form, He tested me on it within the first 24 hours of my decision. I woke up and found that my port was infected and was going to have to be imediately removed. ( A port is a button in your chest that makes receiving chemo treatment easier and less painful because you get to skip those pesky IV's.) I was immediatly put on an IV antibiotic and had an allergic reaction. Because of the infection, removing the port was extremely excrutiating. These are things hat I would have gotten angry at God for allowing. Instead I found myself "lying down in green pastures", and "being led to still waters." Yes, He restored my soul. It's still not about me. I still have times when I feel down or things are a little difficult, but I know that He has "plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans for a hope and a future." I will trust those plans. It's not about me, It IS about Him.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Blessings
In the words of Monty Python, "And now for something completely different." Let's discuss the blessings of this yucky disease. First of all, let me say that I have never felt so loved. Even total strangers amaze me at their kindness and generosity. The Lord is constantly blessing us through the body of Christ. Financially things are tight. Even with the best medical insurance this disease can be a financial strain. But the Lord has used people time and time again to help us through. I know we don't need to worry about such things, He is faithful and will always come through.
He has also surrounded me with the most amazing group of friends. These women are there for me to help turn "my wailing into dancing." At the last Race for the Cure we had 40 people sign up for Team Staci. It was such an honor to have so many race under my name. They say that those with a strong support system have a better chance of survival. My friends have made my chances of beating this disease skyrocket. They are there to let me cry on them or to just go shopping. I love you all so very much!!
Not only am I blessed with wonderful friends, but an incredible family. I think so often that we take the people in our lives for granted. We think they will always be there and we get too used to them being around. I have a wonderful husband. Oh sure, he can make me crazy as only husbands can, but he has been through the ringer with me. Actually, when someone gets cancer, the whole family gets cancer. It is so hard, but Rob has loved me through it all. I read somewhere that many marriages suffer divorce at the hands of this challenge, and I think how very sad. Where would I be without Rob's love and support? He makes me feel desirable when I feel about as ugly as they come. After the mastectomy and reconstruction I have dealt with and am continuing to deal with body issues. I refer to my new breasts as Frankenboobs. An attepmt at being funny and yet still describing how I truly feel about them. It is hard to feel attractive when you are bald and you've lost even your eyelashes and eyebrows. You can't help but look a little weird when those go. Sometimes I feel like I look like a concentration camp victim. Yet Rob always makes me feel attractive and loved.
Then there are my girls. They are truly the joy of my life. I look at them and realize that no matter what, a part of me lives on through them. They amaze me at how smart, beautiful and talented they are. They bless me with their love, laughter and their interesting and different take of the world. I love to watch them and see things again for the first time through their eyes. They remind me just how magical this world and the people in it are.
Then there is to joy of experiencing God throughout this mess. I must admit that my faith has been challenged beyond a point that I thought it could survive. I have faltered, but ultimatly not only has my faith in the Lord survived, it has thrived. I see nature in a whole new way. I love watching birds and how the flit from tree to tree and how each has a different song. I love the sound of rushing water and how rain hitting the pavement sounds like bacon frying. I love how the smell of honeysuckle fills my senses and a baby's laughter makes my heart spring into a smile.
I think people kind of have a romantic view of how their life will change dramatically if they are diagnosed with a terminal disease. I know I did. I thought that suddenly nothing insignificant would bother me. And I must admit, my view has changed dramatically at what is insignificnat and what is not. But unfortunatly, I still struggle on occasion. I guess it is a good thing I have a Savior to help me through. So that is another blessing, I have learned so much over the last several months, thing that I want to share with you and will over the next blogs.
He has also surrounded me with the most amazing group of friends. These women are there for me to help turn "my wailing into dancing." At the last Race for the Cure we had 40 people sign up for Team Staci. It was such an honor to have so many race under my name. They say that those with a strong support system have a better chance of survival. My friends have made my chances of beating this disease skyrocket. They are there to let me cry on them or to just go shopping. I love you all so very much!!
Not only am I blessed with wonderful friends, but an incredible family. I think so often that we take the people in our lives for granted. We think they will always be there and we get too used to them being around. I have a wonderful husband. Oh sure, he can make me crazy as only husbands can, but he has been through the ringer with me. Actually, when someone gets cancer, the whole family gets cancer. It is so hard, but Rob has loved me through it all. I read somewhere that many marriages suffer divorce at the hands of this challenge, and I think how very sad. Where would I be without Rob's love and support? He makes me feel desirable when I feel about as ugly as they come. After the mastectomy and reconstruction I have dealt with and am continuing to deal with body issues. I refer to my new breasts as Frankenboobs. An attepmt at being funny and yet still describing how I truly feel about them. It is hard to feel attractive when you are bald and you've lost even your eyelashes and eyebrows. You can't help but look a little weird when those go. Sometimes I feel like I look like a concentration camp victim. Yet Rob always makes me feel attractive and loved.
Then there are my girls. They are truly the joy of my life. I look at them and realize that no matter what, a part of me lives on through them. They amaze me at how smart, beautiful and talented they are. They bless me with their love, laughter and their interesting and different take of the world. I love to watch them and see things again for the first time through their eyes. They remind me just how magical this world and the people in it are.
Then there is to joy of experiencing God throughout this mess. I must admit that my faith has been challenged beyond a point that I thought it could survive. I have faltered, but ultimatly not only has my faith in the Lord survived, it has thrived. I see nature in a whole new way. I love watching birds and how the flit from tree to tree and how each has a different song. I love the sound of rushing water and how rain hitting the pavement sounds like bacon frying. I love how the smell of honeysuckle fills my senses and a baby's laughter makes my heart spring into a smile.
I think people kind of have a romantic view of how their life will change dramatically if they are diagnosed with a terminal disease. I know I did. I thought that suddenly nothing insignificant would bother me. And I must admit, my view has changed dramatically at what is insignificnat and what is not. But unfortunatly, I still struggle on occasion. I guess it is a good thing I have a Savior to help me through. So that is another blessing, I have learned so much over the last several months, thing that I want to share with you and will over the next blogs.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Postitive Thinking vs. Reality
I've always thought of myself as a "the glass is half full" kind of person. Usually I am pretty upbeat. I know it makes some people uncomfortable when I say negative things about my prognosis. There are people that feel that I should always think and say positive things. I want to make it very clear that from a spiritual point of view I KNOW that God would only have to say the word and I would instantly be healed. The question is will He chose to do that? I don't know.
I feel that there is a fine line between being positive and being in denial. The medical reality is my prognosis couldn't get any poorer. I have stage 4 cancer, there is no stage 5. I have the most aggressive and hardest to kill tumor level, level 3. There is no level 4. So from a medical standpoint things don't look good.
Some people have told me that Jesus wants to heal eveyone. I believe that is true, but for whatever reason He doesn't do it. I've seen several people cling to the hope that God will heal them. They later die and there are some who subtly suggest that the deceased just didn't have enough faith. I know that I'm not speaking to the majority of you, but when you have cancer these people come out of the woodwork. They mean well, but I truly believe that their thinking is wrong. I always wonder if they convince themselves of this "truth" for fear that it may happen to them. If and when bad things do happen to them, do they wonder where their lack of faith came from?
No, I TRULY believe that God could heal me of this disease, but as of yet He has not given me any indication that He will. The real question is, will I trust Him no matter what path He has chosen for me.....
Yes!
I feel that there is a fine line between being positive and being in denial. The medical reality is my prognosis couldn't get any poorer. I have stage 4 cancer, there is no stage 5. I have the most aggressive and hardest to kill tumor level, level 3. There is no level 4. So from a medical standpoint things don't look good.
Some people have told me that Jesus wants to heal eveyone. I believe that is true, but for whatever reason He doesn't do it. I've seen several people cling to the hope that God will heal them. They later die and there are some who subtly suggest that the deceased just didn't have enough faith. I know that I'm not speaking to the majority of you, but when you have cancer these people come out of the woodwork. They mean well, but I truly believe that their thinking is wrong. I always wonder if they convince themselves of this "truth" for fear that it may happen to them. If and when bad things do happen to them, do they wonder where their lack of faith came from?
No, I TRULY believe that God could heal me of this disease, but as of yet He has not given me any indication that He will. The real question is, will I trust Him no matter what path He has chosen for me.....
Yes!
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Why blog?
I'm not a "computer person". And, truth be known I am a terrible typist. So why blog? I feel like I have something to say. The question is, do you want to hear it? There are times that my head just swims in emotions and thoughts, but I often don't express them for fear that it may make you uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because of the love you may have for me. Uncomfortable because of the things it may make you think about. Oh, we all know that we are going to die, but do we really believe it? Do we really see ourselves in the casket? Do we really ask ourselves what kind of legacy we are leaving and what is truly important?
I have a desire to talk about this emotional rollercoaster that I am on. This way I can "spill my guts" and you can chose whether you want to "listen" or not. I believe that I have learned some things over the last 8 months, and I know that the lessons are just beginning. There will be times when my message may be raw. There may be other times when it will just be plain confusing. I'm not saying that I have the answers, oh no, far from it. I'm just saying that I have a desire to talk, and maybe this is the safe way to do just that.
I have a desire to talk about this emotional rollercoaster that I am on. This way I can "spill my guts" and you can chose whether you want to "listen" or not. I believe that I have learned some things over the last 8 months, and I know that the lessons are just beginning. There will be times when my message may be raw. There may be other times when it will just be plain confusing. I'm not saying that I have the answers, oh no, far from it. I'm just saying that I have a desire to talk, and maybe this is the safe way to do just that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)