The first sentence of Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life says, "It's not about you." This has always been a hard one for me. Actually, anyone who thinks they do not have problems in this area is just kidding themself. Some signs that it is about me is when I get upset when the traffic is too slow. "Why don't they go faster? Don't they know I have somewhere to go?" Or how about the times when one of the kids needs something from me during the great part of a good movie? I either make them wait or begrudgingly do it. Over the years the Lord has shown me my issues in this area and by His grace I have improved tremendously. Traffic doesn't make me crazy like it used to, and I am more likely to see my kids as a ministry rather than an interruption.
When I was first diagnosed with this recurrence of cancer little did I know that I was about to spiritually spiral out of control. I wasn't angry at God for allowing this to happen. I understand that He is in control and that He loves me. What I didn't know was that in a sence I wanted to be my own god in this situation. I was more than willing to go through this if that was His will, but by golly it had better be done my way. Of course I didn't consciously make this decision, it just happened. I expeceted everything else in my life to go smoothly. "No other problems, Lord." My first indication that this wasn't going to be the way of things was when in one weeks time our freezer went out, our roof leaked, and I got a flat tire. Then I became extrememly angry. "Don't I have enough on my plate?!"
As time went on I became more and more resentful that things weren't going the way I thought they should be. The resentment increased. Slowly I felt God pull away from me. The Bible says that the Shepherd will leave the 99 sheep to find the one that is lost. I personally felt like the Shepherd kicked my little sheep butt out in the snow. His presence totally disappeared. I pounded on the gate to get back in until my hands were bloody.
Let me interject here that I don't think we can always rely on our feelings as to whether God is present or not. God is there even when we feel He is not. I think however that this time was different. I have never felt such a loss or confusion about His withdrawal. I feel that God purposely withdrew to get a point across. I wanted to play god and He was going to let me do just that.
Finally I got tired of trying and just walked away. I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. I really feel that I was at a point where I might just walk away from the Truth even though I knew it was the truth. Then I heard God say to my heart that I thougth He owed me. Because of everything I was having to face, He owed me. He made it very clear that He owes me nothing. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." I shall not want what? I shall not want my own way. This was my Gethsemene, was I going to say not my will, but yours be done? What Jesus was able to say in the same breath took me 3 weeks to decide. I finally came to realize that without Him I am so lost that I will self destruct. So I made the choice to follow Him and to trust His plan even if I think His plan is kinda crummy. And in true God form, He tested me on it within the first 24 hours of my decision. I woke up and found that my port was infected and was going to have to be imediately removed. ( A port is a button in your chest that makes receiving chemo treatment easier and less painful because you get to skip those pesky IV's.) I was immediatly put on an IV antibiotic and had an allergic reaction. Because of the infection, removing the port was extremely excrutiating. These are things hat I would have gotten angry at God for allowing. Instead I found myself "lying down in green pastures", and "being led to still waters." Yes, He restored my soul. It's still not about me. I still have times when I feel down or things are a little difficult, but I know that He has "plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans for a hope and a future." I will trust those plans. It's not about me, It IS about Him.
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3 comments:
Staci, I can really relate to this entry. Especially within the last week or so. I've had to face the fact about myself that I have a tendency to want to control things so that the outcome is what I think it should be...what I want it to be. I'm really trying to improve on this. It's a roadblock in my life. It's THE roadblock between God and I. When I see myself acting that way, I try to stop. It's hard because the habit has formed. I talked to friends in my Lifegroup about it and they see it as a good thing that I'm trying to practice being submissive now before I get married. I don't want to be an overbearing wife or mother. And someday, if I don't give it up to God fully now, that part of me will cause bigger damage. Anyway, I love you Staci. Thanks for doing this blog. It's really nice to read.
This was amazing to read and really hit a cord in me. I am a controller in many ways. I wanted to control the outcome of my marraige and Rob's recovery and it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. I too have spent a long time battling an internal battle about being angry at God. In the midst of all the turmoil in loosing Rob we went thru a death so to speak w/ the church we went to for so long becuase a great hurt that had been done against my family, mainly my kids. That was a catalyst that sent me into a long struggle with myself about who God really is, what is He really all about, and all the other million questions I have had. I still have a million questions, I still try to control but in my heart of hearts I know that He is the one who knows the outcome of it all and I have always held on to the very verse you put here, He has a good plan for me, plans to prosper me not to harm me, plans for a hope and a future. That is one of the many verses that I pull up and remind myself of when I get down.
I look forward to reading more of what you blog and sharing this time with you.
LOTS of love!!
Leslie
Oh my! This is so what I needed to hear today! I can hear HIs beauty and strength in your words. I can picture you underneath the shadow of His wings!
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